The last couple of days have been hard. Too hard. Actually, they have been like hell to me. That is very unfortunate. I don't feel good today either. I don't have high expectations anymore. I have come to expect my life to be the epitome of pain and suffering, internally. You see, most of you have never heard me talk about my struggles. I didn't share because I felt like I was somehow protecting you. Protecting you from who I really am.
But I have realized that it was all a big show. I was the clown with the smile painted on but with deep scars running along the veins to my heart. I have tried my best to never let on about the struggles that I face. It was just best. Best for you, best for Resa, best for everybody. Or at least that is what I think/thought.
The truth is that my pain is sometimes almost unbearable. For me and for Resa. But you would never know it, would you? Because I do what most people do - act like everything ok. When in reality, things are not ok and I would prefer to be at home away from everybody. Now that is a shocker. Me - the people person. How could I not want to be around people? Strange - but true. I have found myself over the last year, pulling away from people. I almost don't want to be around anyone. Not even myself, most of the time. That is strange because in high school and almost every time before and after, I have had a strange addiction to being around people. I felt free whenever I was able to interact with others.
Now that has all changed. I don't want to be around anyone most of the time. I am more rageful and hateful and devoid of hope. It's really sad. But it is the truth.
Maybe I will post more on this....maybe not. We'll see.
Deep stuff....yet my reality.
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4 comments:
Drew,
Thanks for being willing to "air your dirty laundry" like that. It seems to me that the church could learn a thing or two from an organization that learned a thing or three from the church: AA. Without revealing who we really are inside we will ALWAYS focus on change meaningless and less than meaningless externals. And you have taken a step in the right direction. SO you're depressed. You're pissed off. David wrote whatever he felt to God in his prayers (Psalms). Why should we be expected to be less than real with our self-proclaimed brothers and sisters? Oh, that might make them stumble. That's a bunch of s**t. Keep chasing after transparency and you can get real help. Hide yourself away, and you will suffer.
Drew,
hey, i just wanted to say its awesome how you've opened up and shared this with everyone. Sometimes i really wish i could do that. I know its cliche but i feel where your comin from man and i may not know all of your problems but it seems we have alot in common(as i've thought in the past). It sucks to feel like you dont want to be around people, like u just want to curl into a ball and not talk to anyone or to feel like ur walking backwards ion life. well for me it does anyways. I know what you mean about everything bein a front but sometimes its alot easier to deal with lifes problems with humor and you are hillarious. Just remember you really had a big impact on alot of young christians lives whether u know it or not and im sure you do and you are greatly missed by many. Even though i'm still somewhat confused on my relationship with the lord, i try to remember that everything happens for a reason...even my spontaneous retarded acts
Deep stuff, Drew. Thanks for your honesty - it takes some real effort (and courage) to put it on the line as much as you have.
I can't say "I know how you feel" - because that would be a lie. (I will never be able to "know" how you feel.) But from what you've described, you and I have driven around the same block, and parked in front of a few of the same buildings! I can identify...
My experience with this comes as a person both in Christian faith and in recovery in AA for nearly 14 years. When I have been most depressed, I've found that either anger/resentment(s), disappointment(s), or fear(s) have piled up on me, and I become buried by them. When that happens to me, gratitude goes out the window, my prayer life seems to evaporate, and I go from spiritually-hi-powered to "rotating brownouts" in no time at all. And then things start to look very bad...
My life is proof that "I am only as sick as my secrets." Secret fears - secret doubts - disappointments that I think I should somehow be "past" - anger or resentment that I can't forgive - all those things are like acid-soaked thread woven into the fabric of my life, and everything starts coming apart.
Sound familiar?
It may not...your experience may be much different than mine. But if it DOES sound familiar, then trust me ...find someone who you're willing to get buck-naked honest with...someone who is *not* your wife. Pastor, best friend, accountability partner, minister or priest or Stephen Minister or spiritual-friend from another church...someone who can and will see you as the father saw the prodigal son, or as Jesus saw Peter. (If you possibly can, find someone who's gone through what you're going through).
And then tell them...everything.
Can't find that person locally? Drop me a line.
When I got done with my first "fourth-step-inventory" (basically, a rigorously-honest confession) as part of my 12-step experiences, it was such a freeing experience - because I found compassion, and healing, and understanding that I had never found in the church before.
As I remember, there was Someone who said "You will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
It's still true today.
You'll be in my prayers, brother.
nice to know i am not alone!
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