The Great Pretender

Reading in Yac's Messy Spirituality again and came upon this quote, which I couldn't resist sharing:

There is no room for pretending in the spiritual life. Unfortunately, in many religious circles, there exists an unwritten rule. Pretend. Act like God is in control when you don't believe He is. Give the impression everything is okay in your life when it's not. Pretend you believe when you doubt; hide your imperfections; maintain the image of a perfect marriage with healthy and well-adjusted children when your amily is like any other normal dysfunctional family. And whatever you do, don't admit that you sin.

You know what....that is an awesome paragraph. Why? Because it's true. The sad thing is that weknow it, agree with it, yet for some crazy reason, we don't do anything about it. NOTHING at all.

We go throughout our days with a, "Everything is fine" face on and with our Ned Flanders attitude. We will say that everything is fine even if somebody just died.

Person 1: "So how are you doing in all this?"
Person 2 "Well, it's hard, but I am doing ok."

Why don't we just come out and be honest. Life stinks! Majorly. We just lost our mother or father or whatever. Why don't we say that we don't believe God loves us or that God is not there in it all? Why don't we become gut level honest and share what is really in our hearts and minds?

Because we are pretenders. We pretend at all costs. We are never transparent. Although we believe we are sinners, we don't think we do. Oh, we'll say that we do...or we will say, "Sure I sin" but in reality, we live as though we don't sin. We live as though we don't have struggles. I am sick and tired of people saying they sin yet do not acknowledge it in anyway. I don't believe making a general comment like, "Well, we are all sinners, including me" and then living like there is no struggles or temptations is what God wants us to do.

I am calling for us to be more honest. Not with just others but first and foremost with ourselves. We are fallen, sinners who are completely marred by sin, apart from the love and salvation of Christ. We are imperfect, lying, cheating, backbiting, people who need the grace of God more now than ever.

But do we believe that? For the most part we live life as a "perfectionist." We live like the day we were saved is the day all our sin was removed from our life (note I am not talking in regards to justification and the work of Christ.) We believe that we are not to sin anymore and that for the most part we are "good christian guys/gals." We believe that at the moment of conversion, our sins were taken from our life. We no longer should struggle with anything. And if you do....you are not trusting God.

That's bull. Seriously. We all struggle with things. We just don't want to admit it Yet, we would rather point to others sin and make it the sin that we "focus" on. For example, think of homosexuals. We put so much attention and energy into this one sin. We are afraid what these people would do to our church, family or culture. Yet, if we are to be honest, its backbiting Christians that have done the most harm to the church, family, and culture. Or gossiping. Or money loving. Or.....fill in the blank.

Do you see my point? People are sinners....especially "them."

"Now me, shoot I am doing the best I can. Sure I sin, but you know for the most part I am a good Christian guy. I don't struggle with too many sins....at least not the big ones you know. "

Whatever. Stop pretending. Stop thinking that everything is ok when you just need to be honest with yourself, God, and others about who you really are.

I know I need to. I am pitiful. I harbor anger, hold grudges, think of revenge, and am rageful. That is all this morning. Not counting the rampant thoughts that I have about things. I am bad. I am sorry....as in not good.

But.....I am trying. And I will try even harder....today, tomorrow, and hopefully the next day.

any comments?

Who me? Ok. Huh? Oh.

I am rereading Michael Yaconelli's Messy Spirituality and wanted to comment on one of his paragraphs:

I often dream that I am tagging along behind Jesus, longing for him to choose me as one of his disciples. Without warning, he turns around, looks straight into my eyes, and says, "Follow me!" My heart races, and I begin to run toward him when he interrupts with, "Oh, not you; the guy behind you. Sorry."

How often do we have this feeling about our lives? We try our best to be "spiritual" yet for some reason we don't rise up to the "standard." I know for me, I often feel like my spiritual life is very inconsistent. I got through times of unbelievable commitment to times of inability to read my bible. As Yac says, the only thing consistent for me is that I am inconsistent. I guess you could say that I am consistently inconsistent.

I try. I try hard. But there is no rhyme and reason to my spiritual life. Not to mention that most of the time I feel exactly like Yac's paragraph, a misplaced disciple. I often think, WHY? I mean I haven't made the best disciple. It has never been my desire. The desire is there. It's mostly what comes out in action. Now that is another story.

But overall, I am a pretty sorry disciple. I am not the one that you would think Jesus would choose....but then again who is, right? I don't have the best past, I don't have the best temperment, I don't have the best, well I obviously don't have the best spiritual life. Why would Jesus choose to let me follow him initially and follow him still? I am a......well, like Yac said, I am messy. I do my best, but it is starting to appear from everything that maybe my best isn't good enough. Maybe I am just not making the grade.

And you know what? That stinks. I mean I want to be a good disciple. I really do....but right now I am having a really hard time. Part of me has no desire to ever go to church again. Part of me wants to run away from this thing called Christianity. And truth be known, I am running. I am running just as hard as I can. Yesterday as I was driving.....I was deeply "bothered" by the thoughts I was having. It brought a short and brief tear to my eye. I hate all this. I hate the way I feel and I hate that I am having these feelings.

I feel as though Jesus called me to be a disciple and I started walking behind Him and we walked for awhile, even miles. Then He turns around and says to me, "Actually I meant the guy behind you. Where is he at? I would rather have him. You'll have to go back now."

That is a pretty sorry feeling to have. But this book is a good book. It is reminding me that my spiritual life is not based on numbers that I have to meet but is rather based on an unconditional love that my Father has for me and will always have for me......no matter how messy I am.

Live in that.

My day....

I just got back from Indianapolis with Chris. He had a Dr.'s appointment so I offered to take him and Allison there. They have a big day tomorrow. They will find out what their baby is going to be (Chris is hoping for a boy)! They are both very excited and praying for a healthy report about the baby. We are praying too! Then also, they find out about what Chris will have to do with his surgery. Either he will have to have chemo or surgery. He is nervous....or I think he is. I am just praying for everything to be ok. This worries me. I hate to see a friend going through so much pain.

We had a good time today talking theology and such. I have found that Chris is pretty articulate and sharp. Way sharper than I am. We are so much alike....its almost like we are brothers. Seriously.

well, readers, keep my bro in your prayers.

i'm out.....

Friends

I got an email that Levi sent out today to all of his friends. Well, probably not all, but you know what I mean. It got me to thinking about my friends. Or should I say "friends."

For the most part, my life has been filled with an attitude that 2Pac had when he said something like, "sometimes your friends are the ones you have to be close because they turn out to be your enemies."

I have found this true in many cases and situations. Its a shame too. One should at least be able to trust his friends shouldn't he? I would think so. But sometimes you can't.

I have, through the years, found many "true" friends. Ones that I feel like truly care for me (or for me and Resa). I know back in the 'Ville....there is Leslie Riggs. We have been friends for, wow, its been around 10 years now. Ever since my freshman year, me and Leslie have been friends. Although I look at him as more than a friend....more like a brother or I don't know....just whatever is more than a friend. He has stuck by me through it all....even when I was a jerk. He was there for me and hopefully, I was there for him whenever he needed me. Still to this day, I know I can depend on Les. And I hope he knows that he can depend on me.

Then there are some of my former youth - Matt, Jake, and JJ. I consider them more like friends than former youth now. I don't see JJ very much, but Resa and I have considered him as our adopted son. Matt and Jake, "the boys" as my wife calls them, are away at school, but I would still consider us as pretty close friends. I enjoy hanging out with them. Matt and I share a love for writing. I am actually planning on going and seeing him tomorrow. I am grateful for their friendship and support!

On through the years has seen many friends in my life. Michael. Jeff. Brian. (I hope I spelled that right...you would think I know how.) Many, many others.

Now I am surrounded by some good friends....ones I know that are there for me, both in person and online. Chris is one of those. He and I act very similarly and always have a ball whenever we get "goofy." Chris is going through a hard time, dealing with cancer. He has been there for me and hopefully I will be there for him when he needs me. Then there's Nathan. Nathan and I got close, prolly, because of Upward. But now, we remain strong friends and I know I can depend on him. He can depend on me.

Then there are my online buddies....Michael down in Mayfield...and Levi in Tennessee. And Jim Tom. He has really been there through all this and has been concerned for me. He has gone out of his way for me. I know he is concerned because others have told me that he was. He is sincere in his care.

I am glad that I can say that I have all these friends.

But then there are those who have pretended to be my friend. Those that are out for no one but themselves and care for no one but themselves. These are the ones, far too many, who have my attitude tainted. All of these "friends" make me not want to trust anyone.

That's a shame.

Then there is Resa. She is the epitome of what a friend should be. She is my everything and the one I know I can trust. I love her so much. Today is our anniversary. 3 years. It has been the best 3 years of my life, spending it next to my best friend and wife.

Happy Anniversary!

Made me think

I have been doing some reading in the YS Message Forum about the Bishop that was ordained in the Episcopal church. I am sure most of you remember this story. The Bishop was an "unrepentant" homosexual and they went ahead and ordained him as Bishop.

It is a very interesting discussion that I am enjoying. I alway enjoy when I am stretched to thinking things I have never thought of before. I have increasingly found that I am more close-minded than what I should be. I have done what I have always taught not to do. I have taken some of my beliefs from those that have "told" me what to believe. I have never questioned things and I have never studies things for myself.

I believe that this is wrong for a disciple of Christ to do. It is true that orthodoxy is important but so is studying things for yourself. We have to be careful of not taking things for granted and believing just because, "we are supposed to."

I am not second guessing anything huge. I am not even questioning homosexuality. What I am questioning is my practice of not studying things out for myself and for being arrogant to believe that my interpretation of things is the only one that could possibly be "right."

I believe, for the most part, that I have been living my life as a LEGALIST. I have made things into laws and have lived accordingly. But the problems semes to be when I have made things into "laws" that are not in fact, laws. There are things that I thought wrong, where in fact they are not wrong.

We have to remember that just because we think something wrong, does not make it wrong. I may think wearing hats is wrong, but that does not make it wrong. We have to be careful to not be overly influenced by things that should not influence us.....like friends, leaders, culture, and our own arrogant pride. We must be careful to carefully weigh things and go to scripture with them. The "theme" of scripture should be the overriding principle for us. But once again I must warn us from taking scripture and turning it into a law. I really get irked whenever one takes a scripture (just one verse) and then proceeds to use that verse like a dagger, attempting to cut everything up. We have all heard the misuse of the verse "judge not lest ye be judged" but we fail to recognize the verses that we use. We are blind to our own faults and quick to judge others.

It is kinda like this whole homosexuality thing. I feel that there is an over-emphasis on homosexuality. I feel like we have set out to crucify those that have this "issue" or "sin" or whatever you want to call it. But the thing we do not do is look to the backbiters, gossips, lovers of money, those that "hate" in their heart, and a ton of other "issues" or "sins."

In 1 Timothy 3 - Paul lays out the qualifications of an overseer. Most scholars believe that to be equal to pastor, elder and so forth. He gives such qualifications....peacable, gentle, able to teach, hospitable, prudent, temperate, above reproach, not addicted to wine (OH MY, it doesn't say not drink wine but don't be addicted!...maybe its talking about grape juice...that would be bad to be addicted to grape juice), pugnacious (combative or set out to fight), keep their children under control with dignity, not a new convert (what constitutes new? 2 years, 5 years, or 3 months, or 6 months or what?), and of good reputation (so what happens when a pastor gets a bad rep, should he step down?) Why don't we ever call out pastors that have wild kids that are living in open sin....even in high school? Why don't we call out pastors that are not exercising moderation and restraint (temperance)?

Do you see my point? My big problem is not telling a homosexual that he can't be a pastor....my "BIG" problem is whenever we don't hold to the other things. We love to emphasize whatever proves our point or whatever sin that we do not struggle with. But God forbid somebody call us out on our sin....we are ....

What is my point? That is what I am wondering.

Just random thoughts from things that made me think

Another day....

I woke up this morning at 6:30. That wouldn't be so bad and actually would be desired if I hadn't went to bed at 1:30 last night. So I guess I will survive on 5 hours of sleeping. I was kinda happy I woke up. I got to talk to Resa this morning before she went to school. I heated up breakfast for her so that she would have a "good" breakfast for her first day at her new job. She is very nervous but I am sure that she will do fine. She is so talented that I have no doubt that English will soon become her new forte.

I have a ton of things to do today. I just hope that I get everything accomplished. I'll probably go to the church early so that I can get my letters ready to send out.

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Well, last night was my last night as youth minister at PBC. I am not sure how I feel about it. Emotions are running close together right now. I am sad in so many ways, angered in so many ways, and happy in a few ways. The bad emotions are offset by a sense of excitement of what God has next. I am trying to have a positive attitude about this and anxiously await what it is that God has in store for me. I am also excited about going back to school, although I am not sure how I will do.

I'll have more thoughts on this later....or at least I think I might....