It's almost unbelivable that this year is almost over. It just seems like we started a new year. For me - maybe a new year will bring better fortune. Maybe it will bring forth opportunities to grow and be enriched and to finally have some peace. At least that is the substance of my hopes and dreams. If, by some chance, that doesn't happen - then I know that next year will be hell. This year has been hell. My survival is nothing short of remarkable, if not miracolous. I never thought I would be looking at a new year. Negativity you might say - reality I claim.

I am still semi-excited about school. I have tried to put less pressure on this program being my savior. I have dabbled in other interests and that has shown me that my life doesn't have to be planned out. Still, there is apprehension. An uneasy feeling arises everytime I have to think about it - or just the fact of going on. I hope that the intellectual challenge will be stimulating enough for me to keep me on my toes. Not that I am smart or anything - I just have a problem focusing if something is not challenging or interesting. I think that it is this intense focus that both drives me and pulls me down. Resa and I have both noticed it lately. I think that is why I am either 150% or 0%. Sometimes that can be such a blessing - other times it because a fault.

I know I have been posting a lot of "poetry" lately. It just seems every time I open my mouth - these words come out. I find myself mentally putting lines together. I was going to post a poem today but I am forcing myself to type this instead. My creativity has been another blessing/curse for me. My creativity often inspires me and challenges me - both of which I always can use. But sometimes - my creativity can bring out the perfectionist that I am and causes me to push too hard. But i will say that this burst of artistic creativity has been quite enjoyable.

Well....i guess I am gone for now....until then........

Struggles....

my words come with a certain flow - not able to put together anything substantial - just these words:


It’s only when I contemplate
That I begin to recreate
The workings of this mind state
that’s passionate to escalate
This fiery rage and hate.
I try to run and break
From this fate
I begin to anticipate
And wait
For something to alleviate
Or take
Away
This incessant heartache.

Freedom never comes fast
And may not last
Past
Tomorrow
But who knows?

I’ll never show
My inner pain -
My hidden shame
Claims
My brain.
Will things ever be the same?
They claim
It won’t always rain
But they can’t explain
How I am supposed to maintain -
Hoping that all this is not in vain -
Trying hard not to hold my life in disdain.
I try to refrain
But it appears that I am insane.
What an emotional strain.

Faced with a deathly
Enemy
Who will never flee
Till he sees
The end of me.

I try to fight and ride
On - but all I do is collide
I wish that I’d
Had a friend in which to confide.
I take a stride
Only to realize
That I am tied
By my lack of pride.
I decide
That I might
As well
Tell
Everyone worldwide
You can’t count the tears that I cried.

I try
To choose a side
Of this war I’m in.
I finally understand
I’m not going to win.
So then
I begin
To pretend
That I apprehend
This struggle within.

I break down and ask when -
When
When will it ever end?

Some more......

Decided to post this - I wrote it last night.....let me know what you think.....hopefully - soon i will be able to get back to some more topical posts........until then.......


Inspection of the hidden soul
brings forth eradication
of complete control.
Out of desperation
I frantically search for a place to go
Where no one knows
My story or role.
Gradually
I begin to see
Things that you would never believe.
I try to leave –
Run and flee
cause being free
Is never guaranteed.
I proceed
With heed
Contemplating the real need.

Overcome – feeling hopeless
All this stress
Has got me losing focus
Not sure who to trust –
Caution is a must.

A traveled less road
Is what I am on
Trepidation has got me slowed
I am afraid – I don’t know
If I’ll implode
Or if distension will make me explode.


I’m constantly loosing sleep
But when I do – my dreams are deep
Screaming for peace
But that’s a promise I can’t keep.
My eyes get watery – I begin to weep
Wondering why all this is happening to me
I’m going crazy –
Hoping soon – maybe
I’ll be free
From this animosity,
Pain and misery
That will never let me –
Be.

Long time no talk....

Well it has been a couple of days since I last blogged. That has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it gave me some time to rethink some things and for me to look at some different ideas that I have been having. A curse because I missed my daily interaction with you and missed my creative output.

Things have been pretty normal around here as far as events go. Nothing spectacular. Me - well that is another story....I am not sure how i feel nor how I will feel. I wrote a poem to express where I am today.......


As time slowly goes
My mind slowly grows
Closed
No one knows
My addiction to the trauma
Story played out like a drama
Not knowing if its fiction or for real
Hands from my eyes full of tears
Contemplating all my fears
Not sure how I really feel.
In all honesty
I can’t picture me
Without the animosity,
The pain and the misery
Its all killing me –
When will I ever be free?

Inspiration deceives
Often conceives
And breeds
Greed.
I wonder if my enemies
Wish I wouldn’t breathe
Which leads
To reprieves
For me.
I can’t see
Or believe
All the pain inside
My life
It feels like I died
And none of it can I confide
To anyone – don’t know why.
But I try
To carry on
Despite feeling all alone
With everyone long
Gone.
I’m done.
I’m through –
Don’t know what else to do
I always lose
It’s not something I choose
No matter how its construed.

No time after – no time before
Life appears nothing but a closed door
Or
Maybe war
Filled with blood and gore.
All my heart I pour
Until nothings left –
I can give no more.

I know some of you don't like poetry - and that is ok. However - this is the best way for me to tell you how I feel. Like it or not....it is real.


until next time....