Are you there?

I was reading my friend's blog and he reminded me of something. Actually, he reminded me of someone. Brennan Manning. It is unbelievable how much influence Manning has had on my life. Although, I must admit that during the times of "the darkness of the soul" I usually forget everything that he has said.

I got my Abba's Child book out and started flipping through it. I glanced at the pages of the highlighted sections and read each quote, sentence, and paragraph. Some of his teachings began to be refreshed in my mind. Especially this one passage. It's actually very funny because this is the same passage that my friend quoted awhile back. I guess Manning touches everybody's life.


Wernersville, Pennsylvania, January 2, 1977 - Outside it's dark and below zero. That pretty well describes where I'm at inside. The opening night of an eight-day retreat and I'm filled with a sense of uneasiness, restlessness, even dread. Bone-weary and lonely. I can't connect two thoughts about God. Have abandoned any attempt at prayer: It seems too artificial. The few words spoken to God are forced and ring hollow in my empty soul. There is no joy being in His presence. An oppressive but vague feeling of guilt stirs within me. Somehow or other I have failed Him. Maybe pride and vanity have blinded me; maybe insensitivity to pain has hardened my heart. Is my life a disappointment to You? Are you grieved by the shallowness of my soul? Whatever, I 've lost You through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...


What scares me the most is that this could be something that I would have written. Not just the idea behind it, but the whole thing, word for word. It scares me. The thoughts that this selection shares, scares the life out of me.

Right now, I can't connect two thoughts about God, and truth be told, I can't even conceive of one thought of God. It's almost like there is a great gulf between us in our communication. I attempt to think of Him and attempt to communicate with Him, but much like Manning, I find that my attempts are futile and full of failure. What can I do?

"Somehow or other I have failed Him.......Is this life a disappointment to you?" Manning proclaims in this honest and raw confession. It seems like to me the cry of my heart lately. I view myself as a complete failure - searching and trying to do something right only to find out that all that I have done has been in vain and without any level of success. It must be apparent how I have failed Him. I had to resign. I go through times of deep depression and thoughts that only "insane" people have. I don't talk with Him anymore. I don't read His word anymore. And for the most part, I don't want to. I must be a failure in His eyes. He must despise me instead of loving me. He must look upon me full of shame and disappointment. So much I could have done but now it all seems a waste. Look at what I could have been, but now it seems only wishful thinking. What can I do - I wonder.

"Whatever, I've lost you through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...." You know, I look at all my struggles as my own fault. I think about all of the medicines that I have taken and that have not worked. No matter how good I have done, depression has always came back. I told my doctor yesterday that it appears like this is my weakness and not some illness. Maybe I just suck. Maybe I can't get better because maybe I am incapable and incompetent. If I was stronger or smarter or better or whatever, maybe things would get better. Maybe my life would be easier. Just maybe.

But deep down, it's some of Manning's words that I remember. In his book, he tells me that I am the beloved. AND I am that because of God's love not because of anything I have ever done. My praying and my reading and my falling and my imperfections do not alter God's faithful love.

The question is this, how can I know something deep down, yet not believe it? How can I truly know this yet it sounds like a foreign language to my soul?

Oh, that I might once again believe this. That I might once again take these words and hold them near and dear to this ragamuffin's heart. What, if anything, can I do?


What can I do?........

I can relate....

Here are some lyrics that I heard yesterday.....lyrics that I definately can relate to. Maybe you can to:

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times
I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried
But when I held that 9, all I could see was my momma's eyes
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
Picture me inside the misery of poverty
No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived
Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on
Me and my dawgs ain't have a choice but to roll on

Why do these lyrics ring so true to me? Why can I relate to them? It seems to me that my life is full of these thoughts and feelings like this. I don't quite understand where they come from, but I do know that they are there. Oh and trust me, they are there. Weighing heavy, draining me of all energy and hope and love and just about everything else. I hate it. It seems one day everything can be fine and then the next day - life is hell again. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I thought things were on a upswing, but now I only see the process, making its rounds through my life.

I thought about posting some of my poetry that I have written when I have been "down." But after contemplating on that, I decided that the shock value would be too high for most of you and you would probably freak out. Too bad. It really reveals my inner struggles. However, I have another poem that I would like to share with you from a friend:

I Cry

Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.
- Tupac Shakur

Make fun of me all you want for reading poetry by 2pac. Make fun of me all you want for listening to his music and proclaiming that behind Jesus, he has had the most impact on my life. Make fun all you want. Because you can not be this real. You can not write the words that he has written. You can not say things that echoe in my heart. He does - and he does it well.

This man was a lyrical genious. Like it or not - its the truth. I hope my poetry will one day speak to others that go through these times of hell. Maybe, just maybe, I will impact them like he has impacted me.

laugh if you want - but to me it's no laughing matter - it's life.......

Modernism/Postmodernism....the definition

Modernism/Postmodernism Comparison Chart

I found this article, not too long ago, and thought that some of you might be interested in it. I know that it was very interesting to me. This article gives a brief overview of the differences between modernism and postmodernism. I found the first part dry but the chart was excellent giving both sides in a fairly accurate way. I really enjoy this conversation and find myself amazed at my modernist tendencies, while I am naturally postmodern.

Some of you might disagree with this. That is ok. You are allowed. I hereby, being the owner of this blog, give you permission to disagree with me. Ha, Ha. Isn't that funny.

For those of you who are not familiar with this modern/postmodern conversation, do a google search to see what you come up with. I could give you a summary, albeit a brief one, but I think that the discovery of this conversation is much funner than having everything explained to you. I know in my journey, I have learned the most whenever I have become self critical of the things in my life. I look back and see the role that the Enlightenment has played on both me and my theological biases.

Well, I guess I kinda let you in on part of this conversation. The Enlightenment had a huge role in the forming of this modernist mindset. You will find that it was during this period that a new "system" came into power. A system that has ruled Christianity and the rest of the world for years. But now, there is a new paradigm that is being ushered in. This paradigm or system is that of postmodernism. People are beginning to think differently than those of the modern system. Is all of it good? No. Is all of it bad? No. But I do believe, with all my heart, that we have allowed Christianity to be conformed to the modern way of thinking. And like I said, not that it is all bad. Cause it's not. Some of modernism has been helpful and useful. But whenever we start allowing our thought processes to control our theology then we have overstepped where God would want us to step.

This is a very interesting conversation. There are many sides to this and the sides are as diverse as the We Are The World video. There are plenty of pro/con articles out there for you to read. However, I reccomend you find an article that presents both sides or presents all of the argument, and then you pray, read your Bible and make a decision on your own. Refuse to let others think for you. Don't believe something just because some famous Christian believes it. Seek the Holy Spirit and He will lead.


Here are some links for you to check out:
Faith-Maps
Another comparison chart
Toward a Theological Understanding
Collection of Postmodern Links


until then.......

Found this quote.....

So I was doing some general searching on the internet this morning and I come across this quote by Henri Nouwen. Henri Nouwen was a Catholic priest who was one of the most influential spiritual writers of both his time and our time as well. He writes with great clarity and passion that seems to captivate his audience. Now I know some of you are thinking, "I ain't gonna read no Catholic's quote. He ain't got nothing to say to me or for me." Before you pass such a biased and heavy opinion, why don't you take a closer look at the quote first.


“During the last decade, many have discovered the limits of the intellect. More and more people have realized that what they need is much more than interesting sermons and prayers. They wonder how they might really experience God.”
- Henri Nouwen


Let me just say, "WOW!" I love this quote and find it a relevant issue that I struggle with on a daily basis. I find myself, even now in the shadows of a cliff, longing to really experience God. To know Him. No. Not know Him. KNOW Him. Do you see the difference? I know who He is and what He has done.....but I long for much more than that. I long for the closeness that I know is there, waiting 0n me.

I have found for the most part, that my relationship with God, has been superficial. Please don't underestimate this confession. For me, this is a hard thing to admit. At least to anyone besides Resa. I have found that so much of my spiritual life has been based on a relationship that is pretty much a "hi and bye" type of relationship. Sure I trust Christ for my salvation. And sure I love God with all my heart. But there is still something missing. There is still something that doesn't quite connect things, if you know what I mean.

I long for more than just a casual relationship with God. I long for a strong and intimate communion that takes me closer to my Father. There have been times where I felt "close" to God. But looking back at those times, I see that it was just a cover for a superficial relationship.

It seems for alot of folks (including me), have become satisfied with the sermons and the well thought out prayers that we hear at church. We look at them as the means to our experiencing God. But should it be that way? Should the pastor/preacher be responsible for our experiencing God? Or should we take the responsibility and the initiative to do whatever it takes to experience God on a fuller level?

Shouldn't we all have some kind of strong desire to experience God more fully? Shouldn't we all have this deep longing to know Him more than just a "thing?"

as always....I'm ravished

A poem for all of ya'll.......

As promised, here is the first poem that I ever memorized and the first poem that gripped me and gave me a love for poetry. This poem is by none other than........2pac. This poem has a way of grapping you and drawing you in. It really means alot when you think about pac's life and think about how he was taken out of this world.


In the event of my Demise
when my heart can beat no more
I Hope I Die For A Principle
or A Belief that I had Lived 4
I will die Before My Time
Because I feel the shadow's Depth
so much I wanted 2 accomplish
before I reached my Death
I have come 2 grips with the possibility
and wiped the last tear from My eyes
I Loved All who were Positive
In the event of my Demise

By: Tupac Shakur


That poem rocks! I love it and can feel it. This is authenticity and realness at its best. I hope that you enjoyed it.

later friends........

Music.....

Music has always been an important part of my life. Actually, very important. No I don't play it. Well, unless you count my stereo in the car. I tried to learn guitar once. And that was all it took for me to see that it just wasn't my thing. I have no skills when it comes to music of any kind. I can't even sing worth a flip. When I sing, I soundlike Mickey Mouse and a chipmunk on crack. Seriously. It's real bad.

Anyways, growing up, my greatest influence was 2Pac. I know, I know. You are shaking your head thinking how could I get wrapped up in that "garbage" as you would call it. Actually, I was not wrapped up in any garbage. I was wrapped up in a poet whose words were as authentic as his tatoos. I began to understand my life better by listening to 2pac. Although I wasn't really a thug, I felt I had a lot in common with Pac. My life could be summarized in many of his things and his words became my words.

I still read articles about 2pac. I still read his old lyrics. They move me. They cause life to spring up in me and remember the feelings and thoughts of old. Amazing how music can do that.

Lately, I have been thinking about what would describe me? What song would fit my present situation. I remembered this song. So I looked up the lyrics and lived out my pain through the words. Now, I don't want this to be my song, but too many times, it has been. It almost fits me perfect. Except, I don't have the hope that this song projects. I am a little more hopeless. But that's ok. Things have to get better, don't they?

I really wish I could claim some other songs. Jeremy Camp has two songs that I heard today that I wish I could claim as my own. Walk By Faith and I Still Believe are two songs that I would love to be able to sing and to live. Songs that I wished resembled my present state. But unfortunately, I can't claim these songs. Not yet at least.

My goal is to put up some of my favorite 2pac lyrics/sayings and maybe put up the first poem I ever learned.

until then..........

Great Site....

A few minutes ago, I visited this great site called Sacred Gateway. You really need to head over there and check it out. I got this link from Nomey's blog. I told you guys you should check it out. Anyway, back to this link. This most definately has to be the link of the week.

I was very impressed with this website and proved to be very useful. The site is a website that walks you through a bible reading and prayer time. Mostly, you get to be still and pray. This is alot different than what most people are used to. They don't like being told what to pray about or what to do in their prayer time. But I think that there is great freedom and great blessings in store for those who choose to follow the guidelines. I probably did the exercise a little too fast. I was really anxious to see what all it involved. I found myself being led into a deep contemplative prayer. I can't say how great that this website it.

Go there. Click on the begin prayer link. Then take your time and really give it a chance. I promise you that you will not be let down. Well, I guess that is a lie. You will be let down if you go through it with a closed mind. However, if you go through it with an open mind and open heart, I can't see how it won't affect you somehow.

Later folks.....

My visit......

Tonight, I visited an Episcopal church. It was the first time that I have every worshiped at an Episcopal church. I must say that it was very, umm, interesting. Actually, to tell the truth, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was not a service like most of us are used to. It was very liturgical and was very, how do I say this?, very reverent. That is a good word. When I walked into the chapel, there were people already in there. They were kneeling and sitting and doing something that I am not used to. They were praying. That’s right they were praying. I should know, I was watching their every move. This one gentleman, kneeled, sat, kneeled, sat and repeated it one more time. Every time he kneeled, he was praying. Not just some kind of general offering of words, but was more of an intense prayer where you could tell this gentleman was in communion with Christ. Whenever he was sitting, he still had his head bowed and was still in some type of meditation mind state.

The service was very liturgical. We did responsive readings that included different sections of the Bible. We read sections from both the New Testament and the Psalms. It was different reading so much aloud and it was different having that much emphasis on the reading of the scripture. We also recited the Lord’s prayer as well as the Apostle’s creed. At one point, we kneeled for an extended period of time. I found this very hard on my back and my knees. I guess I could have gotten up, but I wanted to stick it out all the way. I was happy that I had.

After the service, the Priest waited for me outside of the chapel. He introduced himself and asked a couple of questions. He then asked me if I would like to see the “sanctuary.” I said that I would and so we went and took a look. We then talked for a long while. It was very blessing to talk to this Godly man. I found that he and I had a lot in common. I was blessed by his wisdom and his insight into life. He invited me to come and see him sometime in the future. He was going to be out of town for 8 days and told me to stop by anytime after then.

I could tell that he was sincere. It was truly refreshing.

Overall, I can say that I enjoyed this experience. It was definitely different to this “Baptist” boy, but it was something that I needed to experience. I would like to go and celebrate the Eucharist with them some Sunday. I may do that when I know Father Pat will back.

I am feeling a little better this evening. I still have my periods of darkness, but as of right now, things look better than they have. Sleep is going to be very important to me tonight. It may make a difference on how my day is tomorrow. I can’t go through another night like last night.

Until then……

Hello all...

Just thought I would blog for a second today. I have not been feeling good thus far today. I didn't sleep very good last night. Actually, I woke up off and on all night long and tossed and turned all night long. So I am kinda feeling the results today. I am little sick at my stomach and having hot flashes.

I am wondering if it could be one of my meds.....but I guess I will have to see.

So how is everybody today?


Good...i thought so.


Until later on...