Loss of words...

I really don't know what to blog on today. I am kinda at a loss for words this morning. I am depleted of any energy, barely able to do anything. A good way to put it is that I feel "blah" I really don't know what to say. I bet you are tired of hearing about these troubles that plague me. You might not be....but I am. I hope to find a new series to write on very soon.

This post was actually longer. Much longer. But I deleted it.

This is all so confusing to me.....I just don't understand. I would ask, "why?" but I am afraid of what the answer may be.

Stay tuned till next time.....

I am here....

Well, I am still here......

I guess that has got to mean something in this sin plagued world, doesn't it? It's got to mean something that I am still here, pluggin along...as slow as that might be and as draining as it might be. But I keep on.

My appointments went....well, I guess I can say they went well. My counselor is the best. I feel like he cares for me and listens to me. Something I don't feel I get in this world. Most of the time when people ask how you are doing, they are just being polite. They don't really care how you are doing. They are just waiting till you stop talking so they can start talking about themselves....or so they can interject their "inspired" wisdom for the day. My counselor is not like that. Maybe its because he gets paid to listen. Maybe because it is the method he was taught in school on how to do counseling. Maybe....just maybe....he cares about me. I want to believe that last option. It gives me a shimmering hope in this world. If he didn't care....he wouldn't have called me last night. He wouldn't have talked to me on the phone for around 10-15 minutes.

Then there was my doctor's visit. It went well. I was in a totally different mood than when I went to see my counselor. I was mad at my counselor's office....I was "low" at my doctor's office. But I guess you can say that it was a good visit. He listened...he acted like he cared. I really felt like he was concerned for me. That makes me feel good. Completely different than my last doctor. (That is another story for another time) He changed some of meds and wants me to come back in next week. There is a small possibility that I may need to make a trip to the hospital if things don't get better. He just wants me to get my meds worked out. I don't like that option, but if these feelings go on for another week, then I will try anything I guess.

This blogging...is really awesome. It is allowing me to write. That is something that I have always wanted to do. If I had a list of things I want to accomplish, writing a book would definately be one of them. Other things include starting my own business, starting my own foundation that reaches out to folks in need, changing the world, getting out of debt, and well I am sure there are others. Just can't think of them right now.

maybe I will blog later....we'll see

Well today might be the day....

These last couple of days have been some of my worst ones. Although I say that every time I have a series of bad ones. I guess they are all bad in their own unique way. But like I said, today might be the day. You see I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon (as well as seing my counselor) and this might be the day that I decide to give up completely. You see, I have been holding on for some miracle or some hope to be restored, yet it seems that holding on has been done in vain.

I am tired of fighting this. I have seen nothing but defeat. Despite my advances at times, the enemy is too strong. Way too strong. I am considering getting off of my medicines. I am considering not going to see my counselor anymore. I am considering just giving up.

Why? Cause this battle has wore me down. This battle has gotten the best of me and there is no shame in admitting defeat. At least not in my opinion. I have done all that I can do. I say that to everybody but it's like it has no meaning. My best is obviously not good enough.

Do you know what it is like living, knowing that your best is not good enough? Do you know what its like to live every day knowing that victory is out of reach? Do you know?

Many have given me advice. Some has been the generic advice that we always give to people. I won't even type them out - you know what they are. But I hate to tell them and so I don't - that their advice is useless to me.

Don't you think if I could beat this I would? Don't you think if I could make things different I would? Or do you think that I enjoy this pain and suffering? For those of you who think I enjoy this struggle......well you......well you just don't understand. That is the nicest thing that I can say. You think you understand because you have read a book or because you have "done your research" on the internet......well let me tell you, that don't mean jack to me. The internet and that author has no idea how I feel. He has not walked a mile in my shoes. And if he did: then I doubt he would have hung on as long as I have. You see, I am fighter. I want to win. But there is nobility in realizing that you have lost. I have probably fought for too long.

Maybe medication is not the best thing for me. Maybe counseling is not the best thing for me. I don't know what is, but I know that whatever I have been doing is not working.

Where do I run to? Where do I hide? I used to have that answer. I would spit it out in some self righteous way that made others feel as though they were not as spiritual as I was. But now: I have no answers and the ones I am hearing....well just doesn't do much for me.

What will I do? I don't know. I really don't.

But there has got to be a better way, hasn't there?........

You need to check out....

I was sitting here this morning and thinking about some of the blogs that I read on a daily basis. I thought it would be good if I would tell you a little about each one. Maybe this will turn into a blog of the week type deal....until then, let me tell you about a couple of the ones I read on a fairly regular basis:

1) Resa's Blog is obviously one that I visit on a daily basis. Well, I won't say daily, since I know she doesn't update daily, but I do check it everytime I know that she has been on.

2) Nomey's Spot is one that I check everyday, knowing that my boy Levi has usually posted something good to chew on. Levi is the Young Life leader at C'ville and is Youth Pastor at a church in the D'burg. I like Nomey's Spot so much because I know that me and Levi have a lot in common. You should really check this blog out. And pray for his ministry too! I know that doing ministry is such a hard and stressful thing to do. Here is a direct link to todays post and some comments that I posted.

3) Real Live Preacher is a blog that is prolly one of the most interesting ones on the net. He has even written a book from the popularity of this blog. This guy sure can write. He will make you think...make you mad...and make you wonder. I check this daily and often go through the archives to read some of his older stuff.

4) Ragamuffin Ramblings is a blog that I found last night. Actually, it was more like early this morning. I can tell that this is going to be one that I definately keep an eye on. You should prolly check it out too!


And now for a link that I just added: stumbling toward faith is a website of an author named Renee Alston. She has written a book called "Stumbling Toward Faith" and is passionately trying to sell it. It is about all kinds of abuse and unfortunately includes her story. Be forewarned that this book may cause old feelings to come back if you have ever experienced any kind of abuse before. I checked out the free PDF sample that she has on her site....and I am definately going to buy this book. Maybe even an autographed book. It's a shame that people have to go through the things that they go through. Anyways, let me encourage you to check out this book and this site. I may try to get the book to read and then may try to get a blog interview on here. I know that she does some...so we will see.


Hopefully, I will post later on today. Again. So check back often .....

I need a new pic....

I was just thinking (at 11:34...that's good for me) that I need to put a new pic of me up. I just realized that I look completely different than I used and different than I ever have before. Let's see.....

1) My hair is highlighted - I know, I know that I have had my hair highlighted off and on since I was in high school but now...

2) My hair is the longest it has ever been in my life! Let's see....if I look up I can see my hair so that is pretty long for me. I love it when I wear my hat and my sides and back curl up. It's a new thug look if you will.

3) I have my ears pierced! Uh-oh. Oh, are you ok. That looked like a nasty spill. You should be careful...in um....your chair. Yeah, those things are dangerous. Seriously, I know some of you are probably having a cow. You are thinking, "Drew-you are going straight to hell for that!" Yeah, I guess you could be right about that. But considering Jesus redeems us based on our faith and on HIS GRACE, then I seriously doubt your accusation. But good one though.

This all brings me to a point I would like to make: Why do we care so much about what people look like? Seriously....half of our lives is spent trying to please with our looks. The other half is spent approving or disproving of others' looks. It is a nasty cycle and a huge shame. I have wasted most of my life asking, "What do you think?" when it really doesn't matter what they think. If I am going to be as authentic and "real" as I can be, then I need to focus on being who it is that God wants me to be. And let me tell you, that can be hard enough as it is.

What does God look at, by the way? Does he judge me based on the clothes I wear and the way I wear my hat? Does he look down on me because my hair is long and my ears are pierced? Does he not like people with tattoos? Tell me - what does HE look at? Oh, wait. That's right. He looks at our hearts. He looks at who we are on the inside.

Too bad I don't sometimes. I often judge based on the outside. Maybe that really give meaning to the "being like Christ" thing.

Seems like I have posted on this before.....prolly because I have!


anyways....

Watch your enemies....

Sometimes we are mistaken by who we think our friends are. We get it confused because they play the game so well. They act like they are your friend....but in reality, they only think about one thing. (Mostly themselves)

It's a shame. You should be able to trust people. I mean really trust people. I am talking the kind of trust where you never have to wonder if they are plotting or if they are out to do something behind your back.

I've said it before and I will say it again....keep your eyes on your friends....cause they may turn out to be your enemies.

Depression sucks

The last couple of days have been hard. Too hard. Actually, they have been like hell to me. That is very unfortunate. I don't feel good today either. I don't have high expectations anymore. I have come to expect my life to be the epitome of pain and suffering, internally. You see, most of you have never heard me talk about my struggles. I didn't share because I felt like I was somehow protecting you. Protecting you from who I really am.

But I have realized that it was all a big show. I was the clown with the smile painted on but with deep scars running along the veins to my heart. I have tried my best to never let on about the struggles that I face. It was just best. Best for you, best for Resa, best for everybody. Or at least that is what I think/thought.

The truth is that my pain is sometimes almost unbearable. For me and for Resa. But you would never know it, would you? Because I do what most people do - act like everything ok. When in reality, things are not ok and I would prefer to be at home away from everybody. Now that is a shocker. Me - the people person. How could I not want to be around people? Strange - but true. I have found myself over the last year, pulling away from people. I almost don't want to be around anyone. Not even myself, most of the time. That is strange because in high school and almost every time before and after, I have had a strange addiction to being around people. I felt free whenever I was able to interact with others.

Now that has all changed. I don't want to be around anyone most of the time. I am more rageful and hateful and devoid of hope. It's really sad. But it is the truth.

Maybe I will post more on this....maybe not. We'll see.

Deep stuff....yet my reality.

This is a picture of the love of my life. She is the reason I keep going everyday and the meaning of love for me. I can see the love of Christ in her in the way she loves me unconditionally. She accepts me for me. And loves me all the same. I hope that all men can have such an exceptional wife as I have. She means the world to me. Without her....well I don't want to think of it.
 

I'm your huckleberry

Ever watched "Tombstone?" Well that has to be one of my favorite movies. I think Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday was just outstanding.

"I'm your huckleberry"

Gotta love that don't you? I mean when he says that, I just smile and giggle like a little boy who sees his favorite baseball player.

"You're a daisy if you do"

This is another phrase that he uses in the movie. Man, I need to start using more Docadian language. You know. Language that Doc spoke.

There was an incident a couple of weeks ago where I could have told somebody that "I'm your huckleberry." But I didn't. Should have. Then again maybe not.

If you are wondering the meaning of these phrases, check out this website.

Your a daisy if you do!

not feeling good...

I have not been feeling good as of late. Don't know what it is. It's hard. Too hard at times. It's physical. It's mental. It's emotional. I think. I don't know.

It's just really hard right now. This is a different side of this "illness." Yet there are so many things that resemble my past experiences.

Hope...where are you right now? God....where are you right now?

I need you. Or something. Mostly you. But then again, what do I know?

Just as I promised......

Just as I promised, here is my summary of the first chapter of A Generous Orthodoxy. I like the book thus far. It is very engaging and interesting. However, I do not find McLaren as engaging as he normally is.

The first chapter is about the 7 Jesuses that he has known throughout his life. He chronicles them and presents them and what he learned from each one. He goes through the evangelical Jesus, the charismatic Jesus, the Catholic Jesus, the Eastern Orthodox Jesus, the liberal Protestant Jesus, the liberation Jesus, and the Anabaptist Jesus.

He presents the insights that he gained at these very different times of his life. He shows a few insights into each Jesus and shows the truths that he has learned from each one. He gives some very good remarks about each of these traditions and things that we can learn from them. I am sure that this is just the beginning and that is what excites me.

I didn't find this chapter, awe-inspiring but it was good, just not his usual self. I will continue on. I know his writing and I know that it will captivate me in the end.

High Stakes For Church and State, Sojourners Magazine/November 2004

Well, here is another article frmo the Sojourners Mag. This is one is probably the best one of the two. I really liked this one and it was the first one that I read at the library. I find it engagine, enlightening, and entertaining. Ughh. I just did that preacher thing. All words started with the letter "E." That's alliteration right? Anyways....just thought you might want to see these articles.

Even you young folks need to read these articles. We need for you to be politically involved and making up your minds about the politics of America. I know I didn't when I was in school. All I cared about was making somebody laugh. And I did. May be why I am stupid today. (Smile) But being stupid has its rewards....I can always get a job at ......well nevermind.

Look for my thoughts on the new book I am reading. I have finished the first chapter and will post my thoughts on it today sometime. You can click on the title up above or you can click on the red link below.

Until then.....

High Stakes For Church and State, Sojourners Magazine/November 2004

The Politics Of Piety, Sojourners Magazine/November 2004

Here is one of those articles from the Sojourners magazine that I read the other day at the library. For those of you out there that are "into" this election and you wonder about the religious aspect of it, this is a good "make you think" articles. Even if you don't agree with it, at least it will make you say, "Hmmm"

The Politics Of Piety, Sojourners Magazine/November 2004

Click on the red link or on the title to get to the article.

Have fun....