Beyond Borders

We just got done watching this movie. All I can say is: WOW! It was one of those movies that is sad not only due to the plot but also because of the scenes that are within the movie.

The movie showed so many pictures of starving refugees and victims of civil war. It was truly......eye awakening. Actually, it was breath-taking. I found myself totally moved by what I saw. There are some scenes with this little boy in it that......well got me to thinking.

What in the world am I doing for the "least of my brethern"?

Seriously....I am feeling like I have dropped the ball. I feel like it is the Super Bowl and I have just fumbled in the endzone. I mean, this movie was about relief workers sacrificing it all for the "least of my brethern."

What in the world am I doing with my life? Am I wasting my life, like John Piper warns? I have been on staff as a youth minister for a total of around 3 1/2 years of my life, with the last 2 being on staff here at Pellville. I have "served" the Lord. I have "done my duty." Why am I not satisfied with my performance/life? I answered the call and did what I felt God called me to do. I tried my best and gave it 100% yet I feel unsatisfied. I have a deep desire to reach the outcast of the world. I have a desire to make a difference, not only "in the Lord" but in LIFE!

I know that some of you may think that I have over-reacted. But I don't think so. I think that my reaction is normal. I want to make a difference in the world, however that may be. Maybe its as a minister or maybe its as a social worker. I wished I could join the military and serve my country but I can't. I wish that I was rich and would be able to devote my time and resources to reaching those that are without. But I am not. I am worried about paying for my electricity while there are those out there that don't get 700 calories in a day....BTW I prolly get 700 calories in a bite!

I think I am spoiled. I am like most Americans and have no glopal vision. I have no "sense" of what is going on. And for the most part I don't care. Now that sounds bad but what I mean is that my attitude reflects my lack of concern. I do care. I want to do something about it....but like most I know not where to start. I guess a start was when my wife and I started sponsoring a little girl in Haiti through Compassion International (http://www.compassion.net).

Man am I sick. I just feel like I am letting God down. I don't feel like I am making a difference for those that need the difference the most. I have always felt like God wanted me and called me to reach the toughest cases. I always thought that I would be a martyr for Him in Indonesia or some far off land. But then I started dealing with depression, among other things, and found out that most mission agencies won't send one with serious depression due to the instability of a mission field. So what is it that God wants me to do? Work in the inner cities of America, reaching the youth? Go to Sudan or Cambodia to reach those that have not? I don't know but I know I want to make a difference.......

do you?

Things I did

It has been a fun two days for me. Me and Resa went to Tennessee to see my sister, two nieces and my brother-n-law. It was a really good time. My sister did our hair (cut and highlights for Resa and highlights for me) for free. She is so generous and giving. Gotta love her. She is truly "family" to me.

Me and Resa had a good time driving home Friday. We talked almost all the way home. It was good and interesting conversation. I really do enjoy talking to my wife. She is so wonderful and is the greatest wife and friend anyone could want. You have to physically make yourself not love her....she is just that lovable. There is no way I can make it without her. Plus, she says really nice things about me behind my back (http://howrandomisthat.blogspot.com - which is her blog) She is truly awesome.

Last night, me and Nathan went to the HCHS game at McLean county. It was fun and I had a good time....although it was cold. The Hornets pulled out another impressive victory and move their record to 7-1. They have a good chance of doing some good things this year in the playoffs.

This morning, I sit here thinking about things I need to do. I need to do some work on my lessons for tomorrow, I need to go and put the songs in the computer for worship tomorrow, and I need to go see my buddy Chris.

Well....thats it for now....stay tuned.......

Is it possible?

I woke up this morning before Resa. That is pretty rare considering I went to bed later than she. I couldn't sleep last night. And obviously couldn't stay asleep this morning. I woke up this morning thinking about following Jesus. Actually, that is what woke me up.

Here is the question: is it possible that we have turned following Jesus into legalism? Don't understand? Let me explain.

I think that we have our preconcieved notions of what following Jesus means. We think of someone who listens to Christian music, has a fish on their car, wears Testimony Tees and acts a certain way. We all have our biased opinion of what a follower of Jesus is.

But is that what makes a follower of Jesus? Is it these ideas that are merely external? Or is there more to it......a heart issue?

For example, suppose that a young gentleman decides to trust in Jesus and become a follower. (I restrain from saying "He got saved") Now, due to circumstances, he has "gotten" away from all the influences that led him to Christ (fundamental, conservative Christians). He no longer has someone to disciple him and to help teach him how to follow Christ. Because of this, he starts listening to "secular" music....cussing.....drinking socially......smoking on occasion......stops going to church, which never liked him anyway......and even has casual sex with his girlfriend. All of this done with no idea that it is "wrong."

Is he still a follower of Christ?

Now before you answer....think about this: Following Jesus is a heart issue. Its internal not external. Anything else becomes works based and negates the Cross of Christ.

Is he still a follower of Christ? Was he ever a follower of Christ? He truly believed yet he doesn't look it or act it. What's the deal?

I thought I was!

Something that has been on my mind as of late, is the fact that this latest depressive episode occurred at the time in my life when I was most committed to God. It was a time in my life where my devotional life/quiet time was strong and consistent and it was a time in my life where I was, at least I thought, trusting in God the most.

I don't understand it. We teach that we are supposed to trust fully in God and depend completely on Him. We teach that, by doing this, we are doing God's will. Trust in God is what we tell people. It's our answer for all problems. Having problems at work? Well, trust in God. Having problems in your marriage? Well, trust in God. Family member have cancer? Well, you both need to trust in God.

You see....every problem that comes up has a final solution of trusting in God. But what happens when we do that, trust in God, and things still go to ......well falls apart.

I thought I was trusting in God. At least I was doing it in a way that I never have before and in a way that I can only hope to once again attain. I had put everything back into God's court. I quit depending on Drew and started letting God take control of things. I read books talking about "ruthless trust" and about my relationship as "Abba's child." I listened to music by a guy who was trusting God after he lost his wife at the age of 24.

So what happened?

I don't know. But I do know I need more of an answer than, well, it will all work out. I need more than, it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). I need more than it was God's will.

I know I need more because what I need now is Christ. I need my Savior to hold me and love me and care for me in ways that no one can but Him. I need my Savior to love me. That is what I need......His love. You see, I know I am "Abba's child" and that brings a special relationship with the God of all things. So what I need.....is my God to reach down to me, love me like only He can, and tell me that "Son, I am going to take care of all this, just you wait and see."

But that doesn't mean that it is any easier. No its not at all. I still want an answer. I still want an understanding of what happened and why it happened. I still want to get back to where I was, spiritually. Well, that is if that is where God wants me Spiritually. Maybe, God doesn't want me to depend on Him in the way that I was. Maybe He wants more faith and by golly, He will stop at no ends to make my faith what it should be.

But its really hard for me right now. To say different would be a lie. It's hard for me to have full faith in God when I have been this route before and my life came crashing down. But I trust Him. I trust that its all gonna work out. It is a very simple trust....not a deep trust nor a "Super-Godly trust" but a very simple trust.

I just pray that He makes it what He wants it to be. Without Him I am nothing....nor will I ever be anything.

The Future (for me and Resa at least)

Well, the future of Drew has been on my mind a lot lately. Where will I go? What will I do when I get there? How long, till I know for sure what God wants for me in my life? All these questions linger around my mind as I try to hash it all out.

Resa and I have talked about going to Evansville Indiana and me go back to school at University of Southern Indiana. As of right now, that is the plan. But the problems do come, as they always do in my life.

1) Where will we live? Resa just got an interim at the high school and will be filling in for it for around 12 weeks till the end of the school year. That makes living in Evansville hard, due to her having to drive so much. However, USI's married housing is extremely cheap. I mean so cheap that we will save around 300-350 a month which equals between 3600 - 4200 a year. YISER! That is a lot of money. So we are kinda stuck on what to do...I want to be the good husband in this decision yet I find my decision benefiting me more than her. I don't want her to have to drive yet I don't want to put extra financial burden on us. We have enough of that as it is. We could live in between Evansville and Hawesville but that still has both of us driving and me driving everyday to Evansville, so that really doesn't do much good. Please pray for us as we are trying to decide what to do. I will need to be turning in my housing deposit pretty soon so this decision is one that will have to be made soon. It would be easy to make the decision if we knew that she would have a teaching job for sure next year. We would have to live in Owensboro or somewhere so that she could teach. Its just that this not knowing is tearing us apart. Not literally tearing me and Resa apart but tearing us up inside.....if that makes sense.

2) What will I do? OR the most important question: What will I study? This has been a very lively debate for the last couple of years in my life. Usually I was limiting to something that was cheap and available distance so no matter where I was I could do the program. Well now, USI is cheap and they have all the majors one could possibly want. So the question is what do I study?
As of right now, I see myself studying for my Bachelors in Social Work and then continuing on to the MSW degree. I think ultimately I would like to run an inner city/city youth center, reaching out to teens. But the MSW would give me plenty of options if that didn't work out. I love people. I especially love teens and feel that I can help them become better people as they pursue their dreams and aspirations.

So I guess that is all for now....oh yeah:

I just wanted to say thanks for reading this blog.....and come back often, I try to post every day or at least every other day. Don't forget to add your comments.....

Leave comments!

Everytime I go to BLOG, I check to see if there are any comments....and usually there are not. Thanks to Nomey and Matt and Jake for leaving comments thus far. Please feel free to leave comments on things you disagree with or that you agree with....come on it will be fun.


Also, check out Nomey's blog @ http://nomey.blogspot.com Its really cool to have someone to discuss postmodernism with and that is going through the same things that I am going through. Check him out!

The Christian Ghetto. You gotta love it. I have been a resident of the ghetto for far too long. I eat, sleep, dream - Christian. I have NO contact whatsoever with the outside world. Well, that is not true. I do have some contact with those that don't follow Christ. And to be honest, it is some of those relationships (as minute as they are) that are exciting and thrilling. That is why I loved Upward basketball so much. It was an opportunity for me to get out and meet community folks at least 2-3 times a week. Saturdays were awesome because I got to "work" the crowd and make some relationships with those that were there.

Its kinda hard to do evangelism when you live in a bubble. That's right, for the most part we live in a bubble. Lets take me for example. Up until Oct. 17, my life consists of sleeping, breathing and eating in Pellville. I get up, go to the office (which is at the church) and then go home. No interaction whatsoever. Now that is nobody's fault except my own. But outside interaction is not readily available. You have to pursue it.

We all are very similar. Oustide of our Christian friends, we rarely have any. We do "Christian" things like aChristian bowling league or we have "fellowships" or other church related events. Our whole life revolves around living in the Christian Ghetto or Christian bubble, whichever you prefer.

We put on our church t-shirt, get in our bumber sticker/fish bearing vehicle, listen to the latest in CCM (contemporary Christian music for the uninitiated) or Ray Boltz, meet up with our Christian friends, to go to a church softball game where after playing we will go to the local "Christian cafe" or restraunt where we will sit and "fellowship" for hours.

We pray without ceasing that God would remove us from the pagans that we work with. The ones that do nothing but cuss and talk about their beer and women. The ones that are desperately in need of a change. BUT....we want out. We don't want to stay. We want to find an environment where everybody knows and loves Christ....an environment where we can "fellowship" all day long.

Now do I think it is bad to work at a Christian dentists' office? NO. I don't think it is wrong at all. However, I do feel like we are in the wrong whenever we pursue employment based on wheter or not it is a Christian place. I also think it is wrong for us to leave our places of employment when God has clearly called us to be a witness to our coworkers.

The Christian Ghetto .....its not the place for me. God has called me to go into the world, not hide from it through Christian schools and Christian organizations. He has called me to go into the world and be a light for His glory. It is hard for ME to be a light in the world when I am not in it. Just as I don't shine a flashlight outside my house to see in my house, nor should I expect to make a difference in the world living in the bubble.