Something that has been on my mind as of late, is the fact that this latest depressive episode occurred at the time in my life when I was most committed to God. It was a time in my life where my devotional life/quiet time was strong and consistent and it was a time in my life where I was, at least I thought, trusting in God the most.
I don't understand it. We teach that we are supposed to trust fully in God and depend completely on Him. We teach that, by doing this, we are doing God's will. Trust in God is what we tell people. It's our answer for all problems. Having problems at work? Well, trust in God. Having problems in your marriage? Well, trust in God. Family member have cancer? Well, you both need to trust in God.
You see....every problem that comes up has a final solution of trusting in God. But what happens when we do that, trust in God, and things still go to ......well falls apart.
I thought I was trusting in God. At least I was doing it in a way that I never have before and in a way that I can only hope to once again attain. I had put everything back into God's court. I quit depending on Drew and started letting God take control of things. I read books talking about "ruthless trust" and about my relationship as "Abba's child." I listened to music by a guy who was trusting God after he lost his wife at the age of 24.
So what happened?
I don't know. But I do know I need more of an answer than, well, it will all work out. I need more than, it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). I need more than it was God's will.
I know I need more because what I need now is Christ. I need my Savior to hold me and love me and care for me in ways that no one can but Him. I need my Savior to love me. That is what I need......His love. You see, I know I am "Abba's child" and that brings a special relationship with the God of all things. So what I need.....is my God to reach down to me, love me like only He can, and tell me that "Son, I am going to take care of all this, just you wait and see."
But that doesn't mean that it is any easier. No its not at all. I still want an answer. I still want an understanding of what happened and why it happened. I still want to get back to where I was, spiritually. Well, that is if that is where God wants me Spiritually. Maybe, God doesn't want me to depend on Him in the way that I was. Maybe He wants more faith and by golly, He will stop at no ends to make my faith what it should be.
But its really hard for me right now. To say different would be a lie. It's hard for me to have full faith in God when I have been this route before and my life came crashing down. But I trust Him. I trust that its all gonna work out. It is a very simple trust....not a deep trust nor a "Super-Godly trust" but a very simple trust.
I just pray that He makes it what He wants it to be. Without Him I am nothing....nor will I ever be anything.
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A friend of mine whose grapevines died was about to throw them away.
I said, "I'll take your vines and make something special of them
today."
As I gently bent one vine, entwining round and round,
A rustic wreath began to form, potential did abound.
One vine would not go where it should, and anxious as I was,
I forced it so to change its shape, it broke--and what the cause?
If I had taken precious time to slowly change its form,
It would have made a lovely wreath, not a dead vine, broken,torn.
As I finished bending, adding blooms, applying trim,
I realized how that rustic wreath is like my life within.
You see, so many in my life have tried to make me change.
They've forced my spirit anxiously, I tried to rearrange.
But when the pain was far too great, they forced my fragile form;
I plunged far deeper in despair, my spirit broken, torn.
Then God allowed a gentle one who knew of dying vines,
To kindly, patiently allow the Lord to take His time.
And though the vine has not yet formed a decorative wreath,
I know that with God's servant's help one day when Christ I meet
He'll see a finished circle, a perfect gift to Him.
It will be a finished product, a wreath with all the trim.
So as you look upon this gift, the vine round and complete,
Remember God is using you to gently shape His wreath.
Father God, thank You for Your unconditional love and acceptance.
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