Are you there?

I was reading my friend's blog and he reminded me of something. Actually, he reminded me of someone. Brennan Manning. It is unbelievable how much influence Manning has had on my life. Although, I must admit that during the times of "the darkness of the soul" I usually forget everything that he has said.

I got my Abba's Child book out and started flipping through it. I glanced at the pages of the highlighted sections and read each quote, sentence, and paragraph. Some of his teachings began to be refreshed in my mind. Especially this one passage. It's actually very funny because this is the same passage that my friend quoted awhile back. I guess Manning touches everybody's life.


Wernersville, Pennsylvania, January 2, 1977 - Outside it's dark and below zero. That pretty well describes where I'm at inside. The opening night of an eight-day retreat and I'm filled with a sense of uneasiness, restlessness, even dread. Bone-weary and lonely. I can't connect two thoughts about God. Have abandoned any attempt at prayer: It seems too artificial. The few words spoken to God are forced and ring hollow in my empty soul. There is no joy being in His presence. An oppressive but vague feeling of guilt stirs within me. Somehow or other I have failed Him. Maybe pride and vanity have blinded me; maybe insensitivity to pain has hardened my heart. Is my life a disappointment to You? Are you grieved by the shallowness of my soul? Whatever, I 've lost You through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...


What scares me the most is that this could be something that I would have written. Not just the idea behind it, but the whole thing, word for word. It scares me. The thoughts that this selection shares, scares the life out of me.

Right now, I can't connect two thoughts about God, and truth be told, I can't even conceive of one thought of God. It's almost like there is a great gulf between us in our communication. I attempt to think of Him and attempt to communicate with Him, but much like Manning, I find that my attempts are futile and full of failure. What can I do?

"Somehow or other I have failed Him.......Is this life a disappointment to you?" Manning proclaims in this honest and raw confession. It seems like to me the cry of my heart lately. I view myself as a complete failure - searching and trying to do something right only to find out that all that I have done has been in vain and without any level of success. It must be apparent how I have failed Him. I had to resign. I go through times of deep depression and thoughts that only "insane" people have. I don't talk with Him anymore. I don't read His word anymore. And for the most part, I don't want to. I must be a failure in His eyes. He must despise me instead of loving me. He must look upon me full of shame and disappointment. So much I could have done but now it all seems a waste. Look at what I could have been, but now it seems only wishful thinking. What can I do - I wonder.

"Whatever, I've lost you through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...." You know, I look at all my struggles as my own fault. I think about all of the medicines that I have taken and that have not worked. No matter how good I have done, depression has always came back. I told my doctor yesterday that it appears like this is my weakness and not some illness. Maybe I just suck. Maybe I can't get better because maybe I am incapable and incompetent. If I was stronger or smarter or better or whatever, maybe things would get better. Maybe my life would be easier. Just maybe.

But deep down, it's some of Manning's words that I remember. In his book, he tells me that I am the beloved. AND I am that because of God's love not because of anything I have ever done. My praying and my reading and my falling and my imperfections do not alter God's faithful love.

The question is this, how can I know something deep down, yet not believe it? How can I truly know this yet it sounds like a foreign language to my soul?

Oh, that I might once again believe this. That I might once again take these words and hold them near and dear to this ragamuffin's heart. What, if anything, can I do?


What can I do?........