It's almost unbelivable that this year is almost over. It just seems like we started a new year. For me - maybe a new year will bring better fortune. Maybe it will bring forth opportunities to grow and be enriched and to finally have some peace. At least that is the substance of my hopes and dreams. If, by some chance, that doesn't happen - then I know that next year will be hell. This year has been hell. My survival is nothing short of remarkable, if not miracolous. I never thought I would be looking at a new year. Negativity you might say - reality I claim.
I am still semi-excited about school. I have tried to put less pressure on this program being my savior. I have dabbled in other interests and that has shown me that my life doesn't have to be planned out. Still, there is apprehension. An uneasy feeling arises everytime I have to think about it - or just the fact of going on. I hope that the intellectual challenge will be stimulating enough for me to keep me on my toes. Not that I am smart or anything - I just have a problem focusing if something is not challenging or interesting. I think that it is this intense focus that both drives me and pulls me down. Resa and I have both noticed it lately. I think that is why I am either 150% or 0%. Sometimes that can be such a blessing - other times it because a fault.
I know I have been posting a lot of "poetry" lately. It just seems every time I open my mouth - these words come out. I find myself mentally putting lines together. I was going to post a poem today but I am forcing myself to type this instead. My creativity has been another blessing/curse for me. My creativity often inspires me and challenges me - both of which I always can use. But sometimes - my creativity can bring out the perfectionist that I am and causes me to push too hard. But i will say that this burst of artistic creativity has been quite enjoyable.
Well....i guess I am gone for now....until then........
2 comments:
Boy, do I identify with what you wrote! I've been finding the same wild swings in my life - either racing around like a rat on crack, or in full sloth mode. I find my way to "sloth" more than "rat on crack", unfortunately.
I envy your poetic bent...I am just a spouter of words, most days, and my prose can bury as often as it inspires. I always find something I need to think about in your writings.
I just saw your blog for the first time today, and to me, it seems that irony fills your life. You seem full of contradiction. You've titled your blog "ravished" and made it all about a "passionate pursuit for God," but yet you refer to your life as "hell," admit that you look to other things to be "savior," and look for improved circumstances to be the "substance of your hopes and dreams." It seems that you are ravished alright -- by lots of things.
I hope you'll find a way not to pursue God (it seems you go overboard), but to rest in God and follow His commands. You're right, life doesn't have to be planned out in our minds, but rather the goal is to follow the plan already mapped out. (Micah 6:8; 1 Tim 2:2; 1 Tim 5:8; 1 Pet 3:18)
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