It's almost unbelivable that this year is almost over. It just seems like we started a new year. For me - maybe a new year will bring better fortune. Maybe it will bring forth opportunities to grow and be enriched and to finally have some peace. At least that is the substance of my hopes and dreams. If, by some chance, that doesn't happen - then I know that next year will be hell. This year has been hell. My survival is nothing short of remarkable, if not miracolous. I never thought I would be looking at a new year. Negativity you might say - reality I claim.

I am still semi-excited about school. I have tried to put less pressure on this program being my savior. I have dabbled in other interests and that has shown me that my life doesn't have to be planned out. Still, there is apprehension. An uneasy feeling arises everytime I have to think about it - or just the fact of going on. I hope that the intellectual challenge will be stimulating enough for me to keep me on my toes. Not that I am smart or anything - I just have a problem focusing if something is not challenging or interesting. I think that it is this intense focus that both drives me and pulls me down. Resa and I have both noticed it lately. I think that is why I am either 150% or 0%. Sometimes that can be such a blessing - other times it because a fault.

I know I have been posting a lot of "poetry" lately. It just seems every time I open my mouth - these words come out. I find myself mentally putting lines together. I was going to post a poem today but I am forcing myself to type this instead. My creativity has been another blessing/curse for me. My creativity often inspires me and challenges me - both of which I always can use. But sometimes - my creativity can bring out the perfectionist that I am and causes me to push too hard. But i will say that this burst of artistic creativity has been quite enjoyable.

Well....i guess I am gone for now....until then........

Struggles....

my words come with a certain flow - not able to put together anything substantial - just these words:


It’s only when I contemplate
That I begin to recreate
The workings of this mind state
that’s passionate to escalate
This fiery rage and hate.
I try to run and break
From this fate
I begin to anticipate
And wait
For something to alleviate
Or take
Away
This incessant heartache.

Freedom never comes fast
And may not last
Past
Tomorrow
But who knows?

I’ll never show
My inner pain -
My hidden shame
Claims
My brain.
Will things ever be the same?
They claim
It won’t always rain
But they can’t explain
How I am supposed to maintain -
Hoping that all this is not in vain -
Trying hard not to hold my life in disdain.
I try to refrain
But it appears that I am insane.
What an emotional strain.

Faced with a deathly
Enemy
Who will never flee
Till he sees
The end of me.

I try to fight and ride
On - but all I do is collide
I wish that I’d
Had a friend in which to confide.
I take a stride
Only to realize
That I am tied
By my lack of pride.
I decide
That I might
As well
Tell
Everyone worldwide
You can’t count the tears that I cried.

I try
To choose a side
Of this war I’m in.
I finally understand
I’m not going to win.
So then
I begin
To pretend
That I apprehend
This struggle within.

I break down and ask when -
When
When will it ever end?

Some more......

Decided to post this - I wrote it last night.....let me know what you think.....hopefully - soon i will be able to get back to some more topical posts........until then.......


Inspection of the hidden soul
brings forth eradication
of complete control.
Out of desperation
I frantically search for a place to go
Where no one knows
My story or role.
Gradually
I begin to see
Things that you would never believe.
I try to leave –
Run and flee
cause being free
Is never guaranteed.
I proceed
With heed
Contemplating the real need.

Overcome – feeling hopeless
All this stress
Has got me losing focus
Not sure who to trust –
Caution is a must.

A traveled less road
Is what I am on
Trepidation has got me slowed
I am afraid – I don’t know
If I’ll implode
Or if distension will make me explode.


I’m constantly loosing sleep
But when I do – my dreams are deep
Screaming for peace
But that’s a promise I can’t keep.
My eyes get watery – I begin to weep
Wondering why all this is happening to me
I’m going crazy –
Hoping soon – maybe
I’ll be free
From this animosity,
Pain and misery
That will never let me –
Be.

Long time no talk....

Well it has been a couple of days since I last blogged. That has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it gave me some time to rethink some things and for me to look at some different ideas that I have been having. A curse because I missed my daily interaction with you and missed my creative output.

Things have been pretty normal around here as far as events go. Nothing spectacular. Me - well that is another story....I am not sure how i feel nor how I will feel. I wrote a poem to express where I am today.......


As time slowly goes
My mind slowly grows
Closed
No one knows
My addiction to the trauma
Story played out like a drama
Not knowing if its fiction or for real
Hands from my eyes full of tears
Contemplating all my fears
Not sure how I really feel.
In all honesty
I can’t picture me
Without the animosity,
The pain and the misery
Its all killing me –
When will I ever be free?

Inspiration deceives
Often conceives
And breeds
Greed.
I wonder if my enemies
Wish I wouldn’t breathe
Which leads
To reprieves
For me.
I can’t see
Or believe
All the pain inside
My life
It feels like I died
And none of it can I confide
To anyone – don’t know why.
But I try
To carry on
Despite feeling all alone
With everyone long
Gone.
I’m done.
I’m through –
Don’t know what else to do
I always lose
It’s not something I choose
No matter how its construed.

No time after – no time before
Life appears nothing but a closed door
Or
Maybe war
Filled with blood and gore.
All my heart I pour
Until nothings left –
I can give no more.

I know some of you don't like poetry - and that is ok. However - this is the best way for me to tell you how I feel. Like it or not....it is real.


until next time....

Thanksgiving...

Well its that wonderful time of the year. The time when holidays come as often as cold mornings and food is as plentiful as the chills that run down your spine. Today is the day that we traditionally call Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has never really been a big deal to me. My family has never had a major tradition involving this day. Well, maybe we did when Mom was alive but I don't really remember. I know I miss her. I know my sister has a hard time around this time of the year. I am sure everybody else deals with it too.

Since there is no tradition for me to miss, I get to forge ahead with my own tradition. I guess that is what you call what me and Resa do. Sometimes we go somewhere (my dads/her parents) and sometimes we stay home and cook ourselves. I like it when we do that. I enjoy the time together and I enjoy knowing that I am doing what my Mom and Dad always did when I was little.

I got the bird cooking.....Resa is cooking the other stuff....so we are on our way to a nice Thanksgiving meal.

I hope all of you out there have a good one and God bless.......

well, it wasn't TOO bad

Well, my visit to the dentist was, well, it was interesting. The dentist told me that we could put some stuff on my two cracked teeth but first we must CLEAN THEM! I was really nervous considering this would be my first time for this dangerous and daring procedure. But I worked up enough courage to proceed with every caution.

First they brought out this motarized instrument and stuck it in my mouth. I must say that it was scary and dangerous, but I hung in there....barely. It was an experience, to say the least. She dug around on my teeth and in my gums, trying to defeat me in the opening round....but I persisted and remained strong. Stronger than her at least. She made my gums bleed and made me feel like she was grinding off my teeth.....but I out did her.

Next she took a sharp instrument and started stabbing me and picking my teeth trying to pry them out so that I would snap. Fortunately, my teeth like my mouth and so they were fighting back. After every attempt to dig my teeth out, she relented and put the sharp harpoon-like instrument back into its case.

Then it was time for the slow killer - a grainy like substance that was supposed to seal the deal. It actually tasted quite good - but I suppose that is to fool its prey. After many unsuccessful atempts.....she finally quit. She sprayed water on my teeth and gave me some potion to keep in my mouth for a whole minute - which I did.

And I am here. Alive. With all the teeth I had before - although the are a new color. If you consider white a color.

Until then....same tooth blog, same tooth time....

Off to the dentist....

Well, I will be leaving in a few minutes to go to the dentist. That's right the dentist. I have two teeth (my two front ones) that are chipped. Not sure what happened but they are there nonetheless. I am hoping this will be quick, cheap, and easy. But we shall see....


I will let you know about my day and things on my mind when I get home tonight....

How I am feeling today...

Not really sure but this is how I am feeling today. A lot of this is feelings that I always have in me....feelings that just won't go away. But this is my post about how I am feeling today....


The misery of my mind state
Filled with so much strife and inner hate
Seeking to find some kind of calm state
This all seems like my eternal fate
I can’t wait
For things to be clearer
Can’t stand the man in the mirror
Tomorrow my only fear
What will I do with all this animosity
It’s killing me
Can’t you see?
But nobody realizes
The struggles haven’t subsided
They never will – so I cry
Reality and fiction collide
News saying I died
Somebody lied.
How long must I endure
I ain’t screaming for more
Just a cure
I feel like I have cancer – deep within
I can’t win
Is this a product of my sin?
I wish I had a friend –
To the end.

My Project......

Well, I wanted to tease you with what I have been working on for the last, oh, couple of weeks, with more emphasis this past week. You see I am working a project that deals with........are you ready........are you sure......well it deals with........me! I know, I know, you thought I was going to share something really juicy with you, didn't you? Well, I did. I let you in on the fact that I am working on something very important to me. It involves me, something I enjoy, and a job (hopefully). We'll see. Right now I am doing a lot of background work and research. I have put around 40 hours in recently just for this project. I am actually really, really excited.

I will fill you in on the full details as soon as I get some of them laid out. But I will say that this fills one of my dreams in life. We'll see how it goes and how long it lasts. (Pray that this is successful and that it lasts for as long as I want it to, and longer.)


until next time.........

From another blog......

Read this from another blog - I thought it was funny - maybe I have a warped sense of humor....


Conversation between my 8 1/2 year old son and my 88 year old Grandma.
Ethan: Hey, granny, what did you do with my super suit
Granny: I don't know, what supersuit
Ethan: You know woman, my super hero supersuit
Granny: I don't know what you are talking about Julian (Julian is my uncle that passed away last May)
Ethan: Woman, get with the program, I need my supersuit. ARGHH You just don't understand that I need that supersuit.

And off he runs to his bedroom, supposedly to look for his supersuit.
The next thing I know they are watching Spongebob Square Pants together and granny is laughing harder than Ethan.

The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth....

I have noticed that for the most part, depression is not taken that serious. Whenever someone finds out that I deal with depression, they almost automatically say something like: "yeah me too" or "yeah I have been through that as well" or "I understand, we all go through it at one point or another."

I don't have a problem going through the same things that I go through. Actually, it is quite refreshing to talk to people who have experienced the things that I have experienced and continue to experience. However, I seriously doubt that these folks have really been through what I have been through. If people knew the things that I have done and the struggles that I have been through......I think that they would back off of their statement and if they were honest, they would probably say something like "you are one messed up dude." Which, I guess for the most part, is the truth.

I am serious here. I really get perturbed whenever someone says to me that "we've all been there before." I mean it really, well I will just say that it makes me really really mad. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has a clue the things that I go through. I don't try to explain it because I know that most won't understand or can't understand or would be judgmental. But I guess that is what "friends" are for.

In my life, I have been diagnosed with oh, about 4-5 different things. The docs are to the point where they tell me that they just don't know anymore. They tell me that we must focus on the treatment and not the diagnosis. I agree. BUT, I must say that it really sucks knowing that I am so messed up that they can't figure out what it is. Just think how that would make you feel. "We know something is wrong, but we don't know what it is." Anyways, I guess that is the way it is supposed to be.

Sometimes I really want to tell people that it is not just depression that I deal with. I want to tell them that I have been diagnosed 4-5 times and they really don't know what the deal is. I want to tell them that I have been in the hospital at least 6 times in my life because of all this. I want to tell them that what kinds of medicine I have been on and the kinds I am now taking. I want to tell them some of my thoughts. (Talking about a horror movie) But I don't. I guess I prefer the nice clean cliches to the gasps and the misunderstandings that the truth would bring.

I mean, what would you do? What would you say? How would you respond?

It's a hard question......

Short post

Well today is going to be a long one. I only slept around 4 1/2 hours last night. I didn't go to bed till 4:30 and even then I wasn't sleepy. I imagine I will be run down by this evening. Resa has a game tonight so that will keep me busy - a good thing - till later.

Today, I am going to a funeral. One of my closest friends, Chris, lost his mother to a brain tumor this week. I am praying for him and I hope that you will pray for him too. He has a lot going on with the cancer surgery and now with this. He is strong and a source of inspiration for me. I have been through this before and I hope that I can be whatever he needs me to be.

Pray for him!

Well, I am running late as usual........so off I go.........


look for a post this evening sometime.......i might let you in on my new "project" i am working on....

I liked this post.....

Was doing my normal reading for the night on the different blogs that I normally check and I ran into this. I really like this blog called - Captain Sacrament.


Go check out the post I am talking about here: Click Here.
Go check out the blog here: Click Here.

Words with no rhyme or reason

Words with no rhyme or reason - let me know what you think:

The beauty of life under siege
Honestly
I can’t believe
The outcome of faded dreams
You see
It’s been harder and harder, through all this pain
Will I survive in this death game
I have no shame
Casualties of fame
All my homies think I am insane
I might be, but nobody knows and who really cares
It’s so hard and it sure ain’t fair –
But thats neither here nor there
I got to roll on
And be strong
It won’t be long –
Till we’re all gone
But what if I am all wrong?
What will I do –
To make it through
The next day
So many things I wanted to do
And wanted to say
Before my judgment day.
I’m so sick of trying –
He’s offering – but I ain’t buying –
Fear of life got me crying –
If I said I didn’t think of it – I’d be lying
I feel like I am slowly dying –
Waiting for the end of time.
This death game is a hard bout
It leaves me with all kinds of doubt –
I thought I was strong, I thought I was stout
Humility has left me with no clout
Until it’s time – I’m out

Real Live Preacher - Part 2

Today, Real Live Preacher has part two of his story up. If you haven't read part one yet, scroll down and find the link from a couple of days ago - I think Monday.

This guy has a way of putting a different spin on biblical stories. This might not be the way it happened, but it sure is fun reading it and imagining it.

Check it out at: Real Live Preacher

Christian Singer with questioning heart

This article is about Christian singer/songwriter Chris Rice. Usually, I hold most CCM singers in a special category - labeled Christian Sub-Culture. Now I know that not all of the CCM singers are in this "Christian ghetto" but for the most part, most are. I won't take the time to list the exceptions - hopefully you can see them for yourself.

Chris Rice is a special breed. He doesn't fall into the typical "ghetto" category. His songwriting abilities are exceptionally phenomenal. He doesn't write all these "feel - good" songs, but writes songs for those who may be questioning God. For those who are going through a hard time. For those who have lost their way on this journey called discipleship/life.

I was pleased to learn that Rice too has a questioning heart. To me, that makes a world of difference. To know that he struggles with things and is not afraid to write about it. It is refreshing.

Maybe I need to listen to some of his music. It might prove helpful.

Check out the article here.

until next time......

Brennan Manning Interview

This interview is just what I needed to hear today. Actually, I think that this is what almost all of us needs to hear today and tomorrow and everyday.

Let me give you a little bit of the interview to wet your appetite....


Paula: What do you mean when you talk in Abba’s Child about “being loved in your sinfulness”?

Brennan: In some ways it’s about making peace with our brokenness as human beings who are made in His image but who woefully fall short. We somehow think that pop psychology or positive thinking or getting enough people to mirror back our lovableness is what will bring us to a place of self-acceptance. It doesn’t work that way.

Self-acceptance is the experience of salvation rooted in the acceptance of Jesus Christ on Calvary. And when we surrender with childlike confidence and trust that Jesus accepts us as we are--even in our sinfulness--that becomes the root of our own self-acceptance. Then, paradoxically, we are free to forget ourselves and turn our eyes toward Jesus and other people.


Good stuff eh? I will tell you that "Abba's Child" is probably one of my favorite and most influential books that I have ever read or even put my eyes on. The last time I read it, it changed my outlook and changed my life. Maybe I need to read it again.

To know that God loves me for who I am, right now - and not who I try to be, nor who I pretend to be - is one awesome and encouraging truth.

Oh, that we all may live in that truth. That we may savor it for all of its worth.

until next time.......

Real Live Preacher

The following is one of the blogs that I check on a daily basis. Real Live Preacher is a blog that has a wide following throughout the internet world. It started out anonymous but now the author is outed. He has a new book out that is based on some of his writings.

Real Live Preacher has an awesome narrative on it today. Real Live Preacher takes Biblical stories and retells them in creative ways. No - he does not intend to be literal and NO - he does not mean to offend. He just hopes to add some creativity to the stories and put himself in the middle. I think he does a wonderful job. This story that he tells today does a good job of putting you in the middle.

Check out Real Live Preacher today!

Are you there?

I was reading my friend's blog and he reminded me of something. Actually, he reminded me of someone. Brennan Manning. It is unbelievable how much influence Manning has had on my life. Although, I must admit that during the times of "the darkness of the soul" I usually forget everything that he has said.

I got my Abba's Child book out and started flipping through it. I glanced at the pages of the highlighted sections and read each quote, sentence, and paragraph. Some of his teachings began to be refreshed in my mind. Especially this one passage. It's actually very funny because this is the same passage that my friend quoted awhile back. I guess Manning touches everybody's life.


Wernersville, Pennsylvania, January 2, 1977 - Outside it's dark and below zero. That pretty well describes where I'm at inside. The opening night of an eight-day retreat and I'm filled with a sense of uneasiness, restlessness, even dread. Bone-weary and lonely. I can't connect two thoughts about God. Have abandoned any attempt at prayer: It seems too artificial. The few words spoken to God are forced and ring hollow in my empty soul. There is no joy being in His presence. An oppressive but vague feeling of guilt stirs within me. Somehow or other I have failed Him. Maybe pride and vanity have blinded me; maybe insensitivity to pain has hardened my heart. Is my life a disappointment to You? Are you grieved by the shallowness of my soul? Whatever, I 've lost You through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...


What scares me the most is that this could be something that I would have written. Not just the idea behind it, but the whole thing, word for word. It scares me. The thoughts that this selection shares, scares the life out of me.

Right now, I can't connect two thoughts about God, and truth be told, I can't even conceive of one thought of God. It's almost like there is a great gulf between us in our communication. I attempt to think of Him and attempt to communicate with Him, but much like Manning, I find that my attempts are futile and full of failure. What can I do?

"Somehow or other I have failed Him.......Is this life a disappointment to you?" Manning proclaims in this honest and raw confession. It seems like to me the cry of my heart lately. I view myself as a complete failure - searching and trying to do something right only to find out that all that I have done has been in vain and without any level of success. It must be apparent how I have failed Him. I had to resign. I go through times of deep depression and thoughts that only "insane" people have. I don't talk with Him anymore. I don't read His word anymore. And for the most part, I don't want to. I must be a failure in His eyes. He must despise me instead of loving me. He must look upon me full of shame and disappointment. So much I could have done but now it all seems a waste. Look at what I could have been, but now it seems only wishful thinking. What can I do - I wonder.

"Whatever, I've lost you through my own fault and I am powerless to undo it...." You know, I look at all my struggles as my own fault. I think about all of the medicines that I have taken and that have not worked. No matter how good I have done, depression has always came back. I told my doctor yesterday that it appears like this is my weakness and not some illness. Maybe I just suck. Maybe I can't get better because maybe I am incapable and incompetent. If I was stronger or smarter or better or whatever, maybe things would get better. Maybe my life would be easier. Just maybe.

But deep down, it's some of Manning's words that I remember. In his book, he tells me that I am the beloved. AND I am that because of God's love not because of anything I have ever done. My praying and my reading and my falling and my imperfections do not alter God's faithful love.

The question is this, how can I know something deep down, yet not believe it? How can I truly know this yet it sounds like a foreign language to my soul?

Oh, that I might once again believe this. That I might once again take these words and hold them near and dear to this ragamuffin's heart. What, if anything, can I do?


What can I do?........

I can relate....

Here are some lyrics that I heard yesterday.....lyrics that I definately can relate to. Maybe you can to:

A place to spend my quiet nights, time to unwind
So much pressure in this life of mine, I cry at times
I once contemplated suicide, and woulda tried
But when I held that 9, all I could see was my momma's eyes
No one knows my struggle, they only see the trouble
Not knowin it's hard to carry on when no one loves you
Picture me inside the misery of poverty
No man alive has ever witnessed struggles I survived
Prayin hard for better days, promise to hold on
Me and my dawgs ain't have a choice but to roll on

Why do these lyrics ring so true to me? Why can I relate to them? It seems to me that my life is full of these thoughts and feelings like this. I don't quite understand where they come from, but I do know that they are there. Oh and trust me, they are there. Weighing heavy, draining me of all energy and hope and love and just about everything else. I hate it. It seems one day everything can be fine and then the next day - life is hell again. I don't get it. I just don't get it. I thought things were on a upswing, but now I only see the process, making its rounds through my life.

I thought about posting some of my poetry that I have written when I have been "down." But after contemplating on that, I decided that the shock value would be too high for most of you and you would probably freak out. Too bad. It really reveals my inner struggles. However, I have another poem that I would like to share with you from a friend:

I Cry

Sometimes when I'm alone
I Cry,
Cause I am on my own.
The tears I cry are bitter and warm.
They flow with life but take no form
I Cry because my heart is torn.
I find it difficult to carry on.
If I had an ear to confiding,
I would cry among my treasured friend,
but who do you know that stops that long,
to help another carry on.
The world moves fast and it would rather pass by.
Then to stop and see what makes one cry,
so painful and sad.
And sometimes...
I Cry
and no one cares about why.
- Tupac Shakur

Make fun of me all you want for reading poetry by 2pac. Make fun of me all you want for listening to his music and proclaiming that behind Jesus, he has had the most impact on my life. Make fun all you want. Because you can not be this real. You can not write the words that he has written. You can not say things that echoe in my heart. He does - and he does it well.

This man was a lyrical genious. Like it or not - its the truth. I hope my poetry will one day speak to others that go through these times of hell. Maybe, just maybe, I will impact them like he has impacted me.

laugh if you want - but to me it's no laughing matter - it's life.......