Well, the trip to CTS is decided. Maybe I should fill you in a bit....
CTS is Christian Theological Seminary and is located in Indianapolis Indiana and is where me and Resa are considering going to seminary, starting in January for the Spring semester. It is a seminary that it is associated with the Disciples of Christ but has an ecumenical appeal. The goal and hope is that we will get full tuition scholarships and maybe even some kind of stipend.
The more I read about the seminary, the more I really feel it to be the right decision. I was telling Joe Bob, I don't know what it is about CTS but it really seems to be the right choice.
I guess we will see in 2 weeks....
Monday, August 01, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
A peep into the poetical mind.....
Words never straight always being turned
Every ounce of body, hair, feeling burned
Why so much trouble, why so much strife
Why must I continue in this desecrated life
The harder I try to stop, the more I begin to bleed
Plot becoming clearer, I am the poisoned seed
Left for destruction, bred for seasoned pain
Words are all that are left, the only way to maintain
Or complain, or blame, the blackened train
On its way to leave me scarred and lame
Must I strive to prove, my self worth?
What happens if I can’t do it?
What happens if I refuse?
What happens if I can’t commit
And my breath is all that is abused?
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
States
I found this little thingy on Nomey's blog so I decided to give it a whirl to see where I "stack" up...
bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C. /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.
bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C. /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Just a quick word.....
I am just posting a little word or two, for discipline's sake. I know I need to blog - and so I do. Things have been crazy for me as they always are. Depression, or whatever it is, has constantly plagued me. I have struggled with every fiber of my body to just make it out of bed for class, only to find myself back in bed later. I don't know what is wrong with me - like I have ever known.
Resa and I are discussing some changes in our lives. How they work out for us is yet to be seeen....
until then,
Resa and I are discussing some changes in our lives. How they work out for us is yet to be seeen....
until then,
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
And it goes on......
My attempts at regular blogging has fallen....somewhat short of my goal. To be honest...which i always try to do.....anything but going to class out of necessity and sleeping....i have not had much desire or energy to do anything else.
My journey of late has been a long torturing event. i have been or am struggling over too many "big" things and it is only adding to the pressure that this depression seems to have on me. it seems to be the same stuff for me, those things that are constantly bothering me....like......ministry, spirituality, my walk with Christ, my future, my "vocation" as Merton would call it, my relationship with my wife, my.....well it keeps going....
My journey of late has been a long torturing event. i have been or am struggling over too many "big" things and it is only adding to the pressure that this depression seems to have on me. it seems to be the same stuff for me, those things that are constantly bothering me....like......ministry, spirituality, my walk with Christ, my future, my "vocation" as Merton would call it, my relationship with my wife, my.....well it keeps going....
Friday, June 17, 2005
Just another day.....
You know I think I can figure out why I stopped blogging. I have discovered that is difficult to write or share my feelings and thoughts when it is difficult to get out of bed and more importantly, stay out of bed. The last couple of days have been just that......difficult.
But life goes on.
Today, I will go and meet with the priest from the Episcopal church. I have many questions about the church as well as future ministry. I will let you know how things go......
until then
But life goes on.
Today, I will go and meet with the priest from the Episcopal church. I have many questions about the church as well as future ministry. I will let you know how things go......
until then
Sunday, June 12, 2005
One of those quiz things....
I love reading my buddy's blogs, Nomey and Steve. They seem to provoke thoughts and better yet are there as friends. After reading Nomey's blog (and blessings to you my brother) and about his time with God on the way to Cape.....I clicked over to Steve's blog. He had his results for one of those quizes that are so fun to do that tells you "what your theological worldview is" and so I took the quiz and here are my results....
On that note, maybe God is trying to tell me something here......anyhow, take the quiz and let us know how you did.....
until then.........
| You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/ Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.
What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com |
On that note, maybe God is trying to tell me something here......anyhow, take the quiz and let us know how you did.....
until then.........
Big difference
Saturday, a couple of our former youth came and stayed the night with us. It was a fun time and we all looked forward to going to church together today. I knew that they would probably enjoy one of the larger churches in town and so we made plans to go there.....but I was going to get up and go to St. Paul's Episcopal Church for their early service. Me and one of the former youth got up and went to St. Paul's first and then to Bethel Temple.
To say that there was a difference in the worship styles would be stating the overly obvious. Of course there would be a difference in the worship styles. But thinking back, I really see the difference is not so much preference per each denomination/church but more philosophically. I would like to think that the goal is the same: leading people into God's presence. It is just funny how they attempt to do that. One through the sacred and holy and the other through praise choruses and "dynamic" preaching.
The difference couldn't be any starker. My preference have always been praise chorus over hymns....dynamic sermons with dynamic personalities over....well anything else.....commuincation and fellowship during worship over silence and reverence.....and well the list could go on. Each preference could be explained pretty simple. But things are so different now. I totally enjoyed the sacred this morning. The "repetitive" prayers/responsive readings are more than words but the echo of hearts from years gone by through today using biblical language.
And there was the "quiet." The quiet pierces the business of the world with internet access and blogging and cable television and touches to where Merton thinks a man truly lives....the solitude. My heart leaped with the silence and reverence as if I was watching a million different TV's - all the excited by the stillness. Instead of my mind wondering off and my thoughts racing, it was captivated by the "sacred" as if I was watching some horrible wreck and just couldn't turn away. No desire to read something else or think about something else or to attempt to fill my time with a million things. No....the stillness and "sacred" was much more captivating. Maybe because it had my mind, heart and soul. Wait....isn't that something in the bible?
Anyways.....there is a big difference for this "southern baptist" who has a desire now to learn the sign of the cross, buy an Anglican rosary, and to sit and talk with the local priest. Yep. There is a big difference.......
Maybe a certain "person" will still think of me as a Christian if I "become" Anglican/Episcopalian......
well....we'll see at least......
until then.......
To say that there was a difference in the worship styles would be stating the overly obvious. Of course there would be a difference in the worship styles. But thinking back, I really see the difference is not so much preference per each denomination/church but more philosophically. I would like to think that the goal is the same: leading people into God's presence. It is just funny how they attempt to do that. One through the sacred and holy and the other through praise choruses and "dynamic" preaching.
The difference couldn't be any starker. My preference have always been praise chorus over hymns....dynamic sermons with dynamic personalities over....well anything else.....commuincation and fellowship during worship over silence and reverence.....and well the list could go on. Each preference could be explained pretty simple. But things are so different now. I totally enjoyed the sacred this morning. The "repetitive" prayers/responsive readings are more than words but the echo of hearts from years gone by through today using biblical language.
And there was the "quiet." The quiet pierces the business of the world with internet access and blogging and cable television and touches to where Merton thinks a man truly lives....the solitude. My heart leaped with the silence and reverence as if I was watching a million different TV's - all the excited by the stillness. Instead of my mind wondering off and my thoughts racing, it was captivated by the "sacred" as if I was watching some horrible wreck and just couldn't turn away. No desire to read something else or think about something else or to attempt to fill my time with a million things. No....the stillness and "sacred" was much more captivating. Maybe because it had my mind, heart and soul. Wait....isn't that something in the bible?
Anyways.....there is a big difference for this "southern baptist" who has a desire now to learn the sign of the cross, buy an Anglican rosary, and to sit and talk with the local priest. Yep. There is a big difference.......
Maybe a certain "person" will still think of me as a Christian if I "become" Anglican/Episcopalian......
well....we'll see at least......
until then.......
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I hate
It's Thursday.....and I just got back from my first final exam of this summer session. The class was Intro to Public Relations. We did something completely different than what I was used to....and that is we did a group test. It was one of those convince the teacher to do it things. She agreed and we took the test. The exciting thing was that we all mad an "A" on the final which means that I will have an "A" for the class.
I only have one more day left for this summer session and then will have a couple of days before the next one, where I will have a biology and algebra class. Yipee! I hate both subjects and therefore dread those classes.
My mind is fried from the test we took. I was not very prepared (not that I have been all semester).
Which leads me to my next issue....I am becoming restless again. I am barely able to make it on a daily basis. I don't know if that is because the depression is coming and going or because I really hate where I am right now. It's not that I hate Evansville or even Indiana. It's not that I hate the university. I hate studying the things I am studying. I hate not having any sense of peace or enjoyment. I hate not having any stability in my life (which in reality, I have never really had).
I guess you could say that I hate my "lot"
Most would respond to me telling me that this complaining is vain (but isn't all complaining?) They would even tell me that its my fault or that I somehow deserve it, which maybe I do. Some would take the "high" ground and tell me to just relax and enjoy where I am in life, which I need to do.
However, none of them really solve my feelings. They get at part of it, but not really the heart.
I am not really sure why this struggle seems to be my only companion in this journey, but nonetheless it accompanies me as a dear friend would....Always there and never absent.
Damn the luck......or draw.....or....whatever.
Until next time.......
I only have one more day left for this summer session and then will have a couple of days before the next one, where I will have a biology and algebra class. Yipee! I hate both subjects and therefore dread those classes.
My mind is fried from the test we took. I was not very prepared (not that I have been all semester).
Which leads me to my next issue....I am becoming restless again. I am barely able to make it on a daily basis. I don't know if that is because the depression is coming and going or because I really hate where I am right now. It's not that I hate Evansville or even Indiana. It's not that I hate the university. I hate studying the things I am studying. I hate not having any sense of peace or enjoyment. I hate not having any stability in my life (which in reality, I have never really had).
I guess you could say that I hate my "lot"
Most would respond to me telling me that this complaining is vain (but isn't all complaining?) They would even tell me that its my fault or that I somehow deserve it, which maybe I do. Some would take the "high" ground and tell me to just relax and enjoy where I am in life, which I need to do.
However, none of them really solve my feelings. They get at part of it, but not really the heart.
I am not really sure why this struggle seems to be my only companion in this journey, but nonetheless it accompanies me as a dear friend would....Always there and never absent.
Damn the luck......or draw.....or....whatever.
Until next time.......
Saturday, June 04, 2005
BTW
Feel free to email me or post comments......now that I am back in the swing of things.....I would love to hear from all of you.......
A new day is born.....
Well......a new day is born. But don't let it fool you. It is not a day that is born in hope. No, it is born out of the necessity of thoughts to take shape and expression. I have spent the last, however long, striving to get to that place to post again on the Ravished blog....waiting patiently to get to the place where I can say that I was ravished again. Waiting to get to the place where everything is OK again and I am "fine" Unfortunately that time has not come. And I have realized that it might not come. I have realized that it shouldn't come. Being "ravished" implies that I will arrive. I won't. That is the point isn't it?
Until I arrive - I have to get back into this.....this.......state of expression and freedom of thought creation and articulation.
Will you journey with me? Will I be alone? Will this be another failed attempt? Who cares?
Nonetheless - it has been my blogging friends who have inspired me. Nomey and Steve - thanks for emailing me just to say hey - you guys are truly friends.
until the next time.........
Until I arrive - I have to get back into this.....this.......state of expression and freedom of thought creation and articulation.
Will you journey with me? Will I be alone? Will this be another failed attempt? Who cares?
Nonetheless - it has been my blogging friends who have inspired me. Nomey and Steve - thanks for emailing me just to say hey - you guys are truly friends.
until the next time.........
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Old computers
well - i guess i will make my plea here on my blog - if anybody has used computers that they are wanting to get rid of - please send it my way. i really nead a laptop but i know that is unlikely.
anyways - look for my update on school life......
i do have some very controversial thoughts - well controversial compared to my legalist background.........
until then........
anyways - look for my update on school life......
i do have some very controversial thoughts - well controversial compared to my legalist background.........
until then........
Saturday, January 29, 2005
well, here i am
life has been, well, hectic the last month - we have moved - i have started back to school - and well everything else has been crazy.
i guess it's a new stage - or phase in life. that of one who is studying social work and setting out to make a difference in the world. not just making an impact with Christ - but making one with Christ. You see, i am beginning to understand that sometimes we make less of an impact in "Jesus name" than if we were doing things in Jesus name. There is a difference and a large difference at that. The difference is this - sometimes we spend too much time saying Jesus than we do living Jesus.
think on that......
i guess it's a new stage - or phase in life. that of one who is studying social work and setting out to make a difference in the world. not just making an impact with Christ - but making one with Christ. You see, i am beginning to understand that sometimes we make less of an impact in "Jesus name" than if we were doing things in Jesus name. There is a difference and a large difference at that. The difference is this - sometimes we spend too much time saying Jesus than we do living Jesus.
think on that......
Monday, December 13, 2004
It's been awhile......
It has been awhile since I last posted. Alot of that has been due to my busy schedule - some it being that I have been contemplating the comment that was last left on my blog. I have contemplated exactly how and if I would respond. I have contemplated exactly how to phrase what it is that I want to get across to not only the person that posted but also to everyone else.
Trust me - a response is coming. Not really a response - more like a stating of what is on my heart and what I find to be true - regardless of what anyone else thinks. It's something that I have to do - and will do - as soon as I collect my scattered and torn thoughts. It may be contradicting when it comes out but I am sure the irony will not be lost.
until then.........
Trust me - a response is coming. Not really a response - more like a stating of what is on my heart and what I find to be true - regardless of what anyone else thinks. It's something that I have to do - and will do - as soon as I collect my scattered and torn thoughts. It may be contradicting when it comes out but I am sure the irony will not be lost.
until then.........
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Reply to comment
I feel like I should respond to a comment that was left a couple of days ago. The comment said that I was contradictory amongst other things. I would like to take a couple of minutes and reply back to that person and anyone else who might be thinking the same thing.
True that my blog is called - Ravished. True that my blog’s subtitle is “The heart longs for pursuit. A pursuit after God. To be like His son. To walk in His ways. The question is how hard will I pursue and will I pursue at all?”
There is no denying that.
It was said that my life is filled with irony - if one only knew how much truth there is in that statement. But to come to think about it - isn’t everybody’s life filled with irony? Aren’t we all just a stumbling, mumbling, bumbling ball of confusion and irony? My life has always been full of irony. The dictionary defines irony (among other definitions) as “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs” - reading that - I will definitely agree that my life is full of irony. I am expected to read my bible - to pray - to go to church - to do all these “righteousness earning” deeds. But yes I have found in the last month or so (having struggled with this for longer) that it does not “actually occur.” I feel like most of us are like that - struggling with what is expected and what actually occurs. I believe that is the great irony of the Christian walk - we are always falling despite the call to us to be holy just as He is holy.
My life has been tattered and bruised by the marks of disease. If I had to put words around this struggle, it would be Severe Depression - although there is much more to it. This disease that I constantly battle is a living hell. Like it or not - that is the truth. Although my heart longs to be ravished by God and to constantly pursue Him - the truth is that I am often sidetracked and yes even ravished by this depression and all that goes with it. The truth is that we are all ravished - by something or in most cases many things. I have been in a constant pursuit to be ravished by God - but I must admit that I have never been solely ravished by Him - nor do I think that there will ever be a time in my life where this will be - until the day that I am finally with Him.
Overboard? Yes that does seem to be a vein that runs in the body of this ragamuffin. Fortunately, this going overboard can often be a blessing. But you are right - it can often be a curse as well. I have a heart that says its either all or nothing at all. That is my heart - full of passion - whether it be right or wrong remains unseen.
Pursuing God. Resting in God. I am not sure that I see the problem here. I don’t see these as two enemies but more like two long time friends who often come along with each other. When I say pursue - I am not sure what is going through your mind or what you interpret that to mean. Your words make me think that you think it is a bad thing. I sure hope not - it was Jesus who said follow me. It was Jesus who said all that shall come after me - it was…..well I could go on. My heart must constantly pursue Him and His glory - just as I am to rest in Him and His everlasting love. I don’t think resting in God is wrong - I just don’t think that it is all there is to this God thing.
I am sorry that my life is a contradiction and full of irony. But it is. It will probably always be that way. However, I do believe that if you would look just a little closer - you would see your life full of irony as well. But then again - maybe not.
Until then.........
True that my blog is called - Ravished. True that my blog’s subtitle is “The heart longs for pursuit. A pursuit after God. To be like His son. To walk in His ways. The question is how hard will I pursue and will I pursue at all?”
There is no denying that.
It was said that my life is filled with irony - if one only knew how much truth there is in that statement. But to come to think about it - isn’t everybody’s life filled with irony? Aren’t we all just a stumbling, mumbling, bumbling ball of confusion and irony? My life has always been full of irony. The dictionary defines irony (among other definitions) as “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs” - reading that - I will definitely agree that my life is full of irony. I am expected to read my bible - to pray - to go to church - to do all these “righteousness earning” deeds. But yes I have found in the last month or so (having struggled with this for longer) that it does not “actually occur.” I feel like most of us are like that - struggling with what is expected and what actually occurs. I believe that is the great irony of the Christian walk - we are always falling despite the call to us to be holy just as He is holy.
My life has been tattered and bruised by the marks of disease. If I had to put words around this struggle, it would be Severe Depression - although there is much more to it. This disease that I constantly battle is a living hell. Like it or not - that is the truth. Although my heart longs to be ravished by God and to constantly pursue Him - the truth is that I am often sidetracked and yes even ravished by this depression and all that goes with it. The truth is that we are all ravished - by something or in most cases many things. I have been in a constant pursuit to be ravished by God - but I must admit that I have never been solely ravished by Him - nor do I think that there will ever be a time in my life where this will be - until the day that I am finally with Him.
Overboard? Yes that does seem to be a vein that runs in the body of this ragamuffin. Fortunately, this going overboard can often be a blessing. But you are right - it can often be a curse as well. I have a heart that says its either all or nothing at all. That is my heart - full of passion - whether it be right or wrong remains unseen.
Pursuing God. Resting in God. I am not sure that I see the problem here. I don’t see these as two enemies but more like two long time friends who often come along with each other. When I say pursue - I am not sure what is going through your mind or what you interpret that to mean. Your words make me think that you think it is a bad thing. I sure hope not - it was Jesus who said follow me. It was Jesus who said all that shall come after me - it was…..well I could go on. My heart must constantly pursue Him and His glory - just as I am to rest in Him and His everlasting love. I don’t think resting in God is wrong - I just don’t think that it is all there is to this God thing.
I am sorry that my life is a contradiction and full of irony. But it is. It will probably always be that way. However, I do believe that if you would look just a little closer - you would see your life full of irony as well. But then again - maybe not.
Until then.........
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Dreams......
Well thought that I would leave you with another one of my "works" - until next time
At times - dreams
Seem
To fade
Like the closing of the day.
They come and go
Easy to stray.
These elusive dreams fade
Away
Leaving them for you to recreate.
There is no way
To make
Them remain
So you’re left to pretend
That they will never end.
You begin
To befriend
Thoughts to comprehend
Of when
You will again
Formulate more dreams and then
Contend
To defend
The new hopes that are born within.
You fear that they too
Will flee from you
Then what will you do?
Will you pursue
To renew
Your views
Or choose
To lose
Or refuse
To continue.
Dreams can be such a funny game.
They can bring fame
Or shame
Upon your name.
You wonder if they are in vain
And ascertain
Whether disdain
Is part of the gain.
You try to maintain
Some kind of vision
That keeps you wishing
And reminiscing
For dreams that have been
On your mind every now and again.
At times - dreams
Seem
To fade
Like the closing of the day.
They come and go
Easy to stray.
These elusive dreams fade
Away
Leaving them for you to recreate.
There is no way
To make
Them remain
So you’re left to pretend
That they will never end.
You begin
To befriend
Thoughts to comprehend
Of when
You will again
Formulate more dreams and then
Contend
To defend
The new hopes that are born within.
You fear that they too
Will flee from you
Then what will you do?
Will you pursue
To renew
Your views
Or choose
To lose
Or refuse
To continue.
Dreams can be such a funny game.
They can bring fame
Or shame
Upon your name.
You wonder if they are in vain
And ascertain
Whether disdain
Is part of the gain.
You try to maintain
Some kind of vision
That keeps you wishing
And reminiscing
For dreams that have been
On your mind every now and again.
Friday, December 03, 2004
It's almost unbelivable that this year is almost over. It just seems like we started a new year. For me - maybe a new year will bring better fortune. Maybe it will bring forth opportunities to grow and be enriched and to finally have some peace. At least that is the substance of my hopes and dreams. If, by some chance, that doesn't happen - then I know that next year will be hell. This year has been hell. My survival is nothing short of remarkable, if not miracolous. I never thought I would be looking at a new year. Negativity you might say - reality I claim.
I am still semi-excited about school. I have tried to put less pressure on this program being my savior. I have dabbled in other interests and that has shown me that my life doesn't have to be planned out. Still, there is apprehension. An uneasy feeling arises everytime I have to think about it - or just the fact of going on. I hope that the intellectual challenge will be stimulating enough for me to keep me on my toes. Not that I am smart or anything - I just have a problem focusing if something is not challenging or interesting. I think that it is this intense focus that both drives me and pulls me down. Resa and I have both noticed it lately. I think that is why I am either 150% or 0%. Sometimes that can be such a blessing - other times it because a fault.
I know I have been posting a lot of "poetry" lately. It just seems every time I open my mouth - these words come out. I find myself mentally putting lines together. I was going to post a poem today but I am forcing myself to type this instead. My creativity has been another blessing/curse for me. My creativity often inspires me and challenges me - both of which I always can use. But sometimes - my creativity can bring out the perfectionist that I am and causes me to push too hard. But i will say that this burst of artistic creativity has been quite enjoyable.
Well....i guess I am gone for now....until then........
I am still semi-excited about school. I have tried to put less pressure on this program being my savior. I have dabbled in other interests and that has shown me that my life doesn't have to be planned out. Still, there is apprehension. An uneasy feeling arises everytime I have to think about it - or just the fact of going on. I hope that the intellectual challenge will be stimulating enough for me to keep me on my toes. Not that I am smart or anything - I just have a problem focusing if something is not challenging or interesting. I think that it is this intense focus that both drives me and pulls me down. Resa and I have both noticed it lately. I think that is why I am either 150% or 0%. Sometimes that can be such a blessing - other times it because a fault.
I know I have been posting a lot of "poetry" lately. It just seems every time I open my mouth - these words come out. I find myself mentally putting lines together. I was going to post a poem today but I am forcing myself to type this instead. My creativity has been another blessing/curse for me. My creativity often inspires me and challenges me - both of which I always can use. But sometimes - my creativity can bring out the perfectionist that I am and causes me to push too hard. But i will say that this burst of artistic creativity has been quite enjoyable.
Well....i guess I am gone for now....until then........
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Struggles....
my words come with a certain flow - not able to put together anything substantial - just these words:
It’s only when I contemplate
That I begin to recreate
The workings of this mind state
that’s passionate to escalate
This fiery rage and hate.
I try to run and break
From this fate
I begin to anticipate
And wait
For something to alleviate
Or take
Away
This incessant heartache.
Freedom never comes fast
And may not last
Past
Tomorrow
But who knows?
I’ll never show
My inner pain -
My hidden shame
Claims
My brain.
Will things ever be the same?
They claim
It won’t always rain
But they can’t explain
How I am supposed to maintain -
Hoping that all this is not in vain -
Trying hard not to hold my life in disdain.
I try to refrain
But it appears that I am insane.
What an emotional strain.
Faced with a deathly
Enemy
Who will never flee
Till he sees
The end of me.
I try to fight and ride
On - but all I do is collide
I wish that I’d
Had a friend in which to confide.
I take a stride
Only to realize
That I am tied
By my lack of pride.
I decide
That I might
As well
Tell
Everyone worldwide
You can’t count the tears that I cried.
I try
To choose a side
Of this war I’m in.
I finally understand
I’m not going to win.
So then
I begin
To pretend
That I apprehend
This struggle within.
I break down and ask when -
When
When will it ever end?
It’s only when I contemplate
That I begin to recreate
The workings of this mind state
that’s passionate to escalate
This fiery rage and hate.
I try to run and break
From this fate
I begin to anticipate
And wait
For something to alleviate
Or take
Away
This incessant heartache.
Freedom never comes fast
And may not last
Past
Tomorrow
But who knows?
I’ll never show
My inner pain -
My hidden shame
Claims
My brain.
Will things ever be the same?
They claim
It won’t always rain
But they can’t explain
How I am supposed to maintain -
Hoping that all this is not in vain -
Trying hard not to hold my life in disdain.
I try to refrain
But it appears that I am insane.
What an emotional strain.
Faced with a deathly
Enemy
Who will never flee
Till he sees
The end of me.
I try to fight and ride
On - but all I do is collide
I wish that I’d
Had a friend in which to confide.
I take a stride
Only to realize
That I am tied
By my lack of pride.
I decide
That I might
As well
Tell
Everyone worldwide
You can’t count the tears that I cried.
I try
To choose a side
Of this war I’m in.
I finally understand
I’m not going to win.
So then
I begin
To pretend
That I apprehend
This struggle within.
I break down and ask when -
When
When will it ever end?
Monday, November 29, 2004
Some more......
Decided to post this - I wrote it last night.....let me know what you think.....hopefully - soon i will be able to get back to some more topical posts........until then.......
Inspection of the hidden soul
brings forth eradication
of complete control.
Out of desperation
I frantically search for a place to go
Where no one knows
My story or role.
Gradually
I begin to see
Things that you would never believe.
I try to leave –
Run and flee
cause being free
Is never guaranteed.
I proceed
With heed
Contemplating the real need.
Overcome – feeling hopeless
All this stress
Has got me losing focus
Not sure who to trust –
Caution is a must.
A traveled less road
Is what I am on
Trepidation has got me slowed
I am afraid – I don’t know
If I’ll implode
Or if distension will make me explode.
I’m constantly loosing sleep
But when I do – my dreams are deep
Screaming for peace
But that’s a promise I can’t keep.
My eyes get watery – I begin to weep
Wondering why all this is happening to me
I’m going crazy –
Hoping soon – maybe
I’ll be free
From this animosity,
Pain and misery
That will never let me –
Be.
Inspection of the hidden soul
brings forth eradication
of complete control.
Out of desperation
I frantically search for a place to go
Where no one knows
My story or role.
Gradually
I begin to see
Things that you would never believe.
I try to leave –
Run and flee
cause being free
Is never guaranteed.
I proceed
With heed
Contemplating the real need.
Overcome – feeling hopeless
All this stress
Has got me losing focus
Not sure who to trust –
Caution is a must.
A traveled less road
Is what I am on
Trepidation has got me slowed
I am afraid – I don’t know
If I’ll implode
Or if distension will make me explode.
I’m constantly loosing sleep
But when I do – my dreams are deep
Screaming for peace
But that’s a promise I can’t keep.
My eyes get watery – I begin to weep
Wondering why all this is happening to me
I’m going crazy –
Hoping soon – maybe
I’ll be free
From this animosity,
Pain and misery
That will never let me –
Be.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Long time no talk....
Well it has been a couple of days since I last blogged. That has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it gave me some time to rethink some things and for me to look at some different ideas that I have been having. A curse because I missed my daily interaction with you and missed my creative output.
Things have been pretty normal around here as far as events go. Nothing spectacular. Me - well that is another story....I am not sure how i feel nor how I will feel. I wrote a poem to express where I am today.......
As time slowly goes
My mind slowly grows
Closed
No one knows
My addiction to the trauma
Story played out like a drama
Not knowing if its fiction or for real
Hands from my eyes full of tears
Contemplating all my fears
Not sure how I really feel.
In all honesty
I can’t picture me
Without the animosity,
The pain and the misery
Its all killing me –
When will I ever be free?
Inspiration deceives
Often conceives
And breeds
Greed.
I wonder if my enemies
Wish I wouldn’t breathe
Which leads
To reprieves
For me.
I can’t see
Or believe
All the pain inside
My life
It feels like I died
And none of it can I confide
To anyone – don’t know why.
But I try
To carry on
Despite feeling all alone
With everyone long
Gone.
I’m done.
I’m through –
Don’t know what else to do
I always lose
It’s not something I choose
No matter how its construed.
No time after – no time before
Life appears nothing but a closed door
Or
Maybe war
Filled with blood and gore.
All my heart I pour
Until nothings left –
I can give no more.
I know some of you don't like poetry - and that is ok. However - this is the best way for me to tell you how I feel. Like it or not....it is real.
until next time....
Things have been pretty normal around here as far as events go. Nothing spectacular. Me - well that is another story....I am not sure how i feel nor how I will feel. I wrote a poem to express where I am today.......
As time slowly goes
My mind slowly grows
Closed
No one knows
My addiction to the trauma
Story played out like a drama
Not knowing if its fiction or for real
Hands from my eyes full of tears
Contemplating all my fears
Not sure how I really feel.
In all honesty
I can’t picture me
Without the animosity,
The pain and the misery
Its all killing me –
When will I ever be free?
Inspiration deceives
Often conceives
And breeds
Greed.
I wonder if my enemies
Wish I wouldn’t breathe
Which leads
To reprieves
For me.
I can’t see
Or believe
All the pain inside
My life
It feels like I died
And none of it can I confide
To anyone – don’t know why.
But I try
To carry on
Despite feeling all alone
With everyone long
Gone.
I’m done.
I’m through –
Don’t know what else to do
I always lose
It’s not something I choose
No matter how its construed.
No time after – no time before
Life appears nothing but a closed door
Or
Maybe war
Filled with blood and gore.
All my heart I pour
Until nothings left –
I can give no more.
I know some of you don't like poetry - and that is ok. However - this is the best way for me to tell you how I feel. Like it or not....it is real.
until next time....
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