Am I Pharisee?

Do you ever feel like a Pharisee? Come on, never? I think I feel like a Pharisee 90% of the time. I feel like some religious leader who has it all figured out. In my mind I pass judgement on those that are not as "spiritual" or "religious" as I am. I see them and think, if they will just do this or that then they could be like me and have a great spiritual life like me. I see their sins and their weaknesses sticking out and wonder how come they don't "do" something about it. I am a Pharisee. How did my heart come to the place where it would do this? What has made me get to the point where I am the "religious" leader who passes judgement.

I've read Luke 18:9-14. I have read how the Pharisee goes into the temple and prays self-righteously, thanking God that he is not like the sinners (swindlers, unjust, adulterers or even like the tax collector who was also there). He informs God that he has given his tithe and that he fasts twice a week.

I've also read where the tax collector humbly stands off in the distance. Too humbled and broken to even lift his eyes to heaven, he prays, "God be merciful to me the sinner!"

When I read this passage my heart breaks. I see that my heart is too often like that Pharisee, proud and boastful. I go to God with all that I "do" and thank Him that I am not like the others, those that are not followers. Those that are deep in their sin.

Wait. I too am deep in my sin. Up to my neck.

I want to be like the tax collector. Humble and unworthy of even looking to the heavens. I want to bow down my life to the One who is worthy. I want to see who I really am. I want to see that I am truly sinful to the core and its only by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus that I even have a right to approach the throne of Grace.

Why can't I see my brokeness before God. Why must I wear the religious garb and become someone I am not.

Lord, make me holy. Make me like Your Son.