I feel like I should respond to a comment that was left a couple of days ago. The comment said that I was contradictory amongst other things. I would like to take a couple of minutes and reply back to that person and anyone else who might be thinking the same thing.
True that my blog is called - Ravished. True that my blog’s subtitle is “The heart longs for pursuit. A pursuit after God. To be like His son. To walk in His ways. The question is how hard will I pursue and will I pursue at all?”
There is no denying that.
It was said that my life is filled with irony - if one only knew how much truth there is in that statement. But to come to think about it - isn’t everybody’s life filled with irony? Aren’t we all just a stumbling, mumbling, bumbling ball of confusion and irony? My life has always been full of irony. The dictionary defines irony (among other definitions) as “Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs” - reading that - I will definitely agree that my life is full of irony. I am expected to read my bible - to pray - to go to church - to do all these “righteousness earning” deeds. But yes I have found in the last month or so (having struggled with this for longer) that it does not “actually occur.” I feel like most of us are like that - struggling with what is expected and what actually occurs. I believe that is the great irony of the Christian walk - we are always falling despite the call to us to be holy just as He is holy.
My life has been tattered and bruised by the marks of disease. If I had to put words around this struggle, it would be Severe Depression - although there is much more to it. This disease that I constantly battle is a living hell. Like it or not - that is the truth. Although my heart longs to be ravished by God and to constantly pursue Him - the truth is that I am often sidetracked and yes even ravished by this depression and all that goes with it. The truth is that we are all ravished - by something or in most cases many things. I have been in a constant pursuit to be ravished by God - but I must admit that I have never been solely ravished by Him - nor do I think that there will ever be a time in my life where this will be - until the day that I am finally with Him.
Overboard? Yes that does seem to be a vein that runs in the body of this ragamuffin. Fortunately, this going overboard can often be a blessing. But you are right - it can often be a curse as well. I have a heart that says its either all or nothing at all. That is my heart - full of passion - whether it be right or wrong remains unseen.
Pursuing God. Resting in God. I am not sure that I see the problem here. I don’t see these as two enemies but more like two long time friends who often come along with each other. When I say pursue - I am not sure what is going through your mind or what you interpret that to mean. Your words make me think that you think it is a bad thing. I sure hope not - it was Jesus who said follow me. It was Jesus who said all that shall come after me - it was…..well I could go on. My heart must constantly pursue Him and His glory - just as I am to rest in Him and His everlasting love. I don’t think resting in God is wrong - I just don’t think that it is all there is to this God thing.
I am sorry that my life is a contradiction and full of irony. But it is. It will probably always be that way. However, I do believe that if you would look just a little closer - you would see your life full of irony as well. But then again - maybe not.
Until then.........
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21 comments:
If I may?
An anonymous flame that uses religious language is still an anonymous flame. I recommend shrugging your shoulders and walking on.
But if you ask me (hehe, there is a "comments" link, after all), I would recommend stopping the "pursuit" of God. That's no comment on your faithfulness or the nature of your walk with YHWH, but I would suggest that the image of Christians chasing after God is non-scriptural, and decidedly unhelpful. YHWH pursues Israel. He told them to seek his face when they turned from him. But falling into sin, being stuck in addictions and harmful habit patterns is not equivalent to apostacy.
Paul speaks of Christians being "in Christ." That's really God's last word on us, I think. The ethics Jesus taught and the resurrection life he lives are the prototype for our own redemption, and the shared life of the Church is the prototype for the world's redemption.
Those of us who have been baptized into Christ have been caught already. And it's really okay to sit with that for a long time and learn to be safe with Him.
In regard to contradictions? You're full of them, why should that be a surprise? So am I. And anybody else who lived in a body. That's not a bad thing. We learn to live with the Lord as contradictory people.
And, as your boy Manning has said, "Jesus expects more failure from you than you ever would from yourself." And He's okay with that.
Peace!
Certainly I did not intend to strike a nerve. I was just making a few honest observations. Most of the time people blog as a way of self-expression, inviting the input and insight from others. Maybe you want the self-expression without the response. If so, that's cool, but the heart of blogging is the conversation; the challenge from others. I have read and re-read what I wrote the other day, and I have a hard time seeing how it is judgmental, as "resa" accuses. I made no accusations, just observations. Why so defensive?
You really intrigue me, so I have went back and read your entire blog from September on. In October you said anyone should feel free to post comments, whether in a agreement or disagreement. You said, "It will be fun!" You seem big on not being legalistic, so I hope you will invite and engage the comments of someone who looks at life in a different way than you. Surely you're not one of those eccentric-types who always wants to challenge everyone else's assumptions but never allows anyone to challenge your own. Surely you're not determined to forge your own path without the collective wisdom of the community. Surely you're not one who rejects everyone who will be truly honest with you. Such people typically hurt others and have few friends.
Let me say that I remain anonymous by personal choice. First, I don't feel like starting yet another website account and having to "sign in." Second, what does it matter whether or not I put a name on my comments? It's not like identifying myself (truthfully or not) means that somehow you know me and I know you. If it helps, call me George.
So, do you mind a bit of engagement? I too have faced the demon of depression. I too have wondered whether it's worth it to live. For me, it was blind ambition. My expectations for life were way out of whack with the reality of living in a fallen world. I wanted all or nothing, and if I couldn't have all, then nothing was the obvious choice. What a ridiculous way to live, always setting myself up for failure. Maybe you can relate.
If I may, I want to summarize what I see in your blog:
1. I'm assuming that you were a youth minister somewhere in Kentucky, and that your depression caused your resignation. That had to be hard. If the depression has been a lifelong struggle as you imply, I think it's incredible that the church gave you a chance and it's awesome that you tried (assuming you rightfully told them about your depression up front). Ultimately, though it sounds like you need to let the church to minister to you instead of trying to minister to the church. You can't do both.
2. It seems like your main "contradiction" is that you are caught between perfectionism on the one hand, and giving yourself permission to totally fail on the other. In some blogs, you say you hope all your efforts are "good enough," but on other days you talk about how it's okay to utterly fail, following Manning and your other authorial heroes. Been there too.
For me, it took a "grace awakening." I could explain grace theologically, but I finally realized that I didn't live grace practically. I still judged myself on whether all my "righteous earning deeds" (as you say) were good enough in my own eyes. So I teetered between total commitment to church, Bible, prayer, etc. and total neglect. What a trap. I finally realized that I was only precipitating my own failures, so I gave up the fight and decided not to expect so much. Instead of letting "perfect" be my standard, I decided to let my "pursuit" follow a simpler path -- namely the verses that I cited in my other comment. It wasn't the cure for my depression, but it was a start.
I don't caution you against your "pursuit" because the pursuit itself is wrong. I caution you because in your approach to the pursuit you put so much pressure on yourself, and that's where it gets wrong. When you say, "The question is how hard will I pursue and will I pursue at all?" it seems like you are imposing on yourself these righteous-earning deeds that you so disdain. It really sounds like you put your hope inwardly on your own performance instead of outwardly on the One who saves us from our own pitiful performance. I think that could be why you were so shocked when the depression dealt its final blow to your ministry -- your performance was at its peek, so why didn't you get what you "earned"? For someone who hates legalism, sometimes you sound quite legalistic.
Our performance is only "good enough" when it's the result of grace and not effort. Effort is only a filthy rag, trust and perseverance are the elements of a graceful pursuit. Not trust so that things will get better, but deep trust -- trusting the heart of God and following His simple path even if things don't get better. Job and Ecclesiastes come to mind.
By way of testimony, let me say that yes, once I was just "stumbling, mumbling, and bumbling" along, but it was mainly because I made life so complex when the Bible makes it so simple. I'm far from perfect, but I am pressing on, and by grace I'm not stumbling anymore.
When anyone makes "suggestions" these days it is always viewed as "judgmental." Please don't take me that way, but please allow me to make just a few:
1. Back off the pursuit. It's killing you. God does not want you to chase so hard that you can't finish the race. You seem to be more concerned with "going hard" than getting anything done. As you said, never doubt a turtle. when I first saw your blog, the word "ravished" caught me, and I hoped I had finally found a spiritual super-hero, but I assumed I had probably only found a hurting soul trapped in a works-righteous mentality. I think my assumption might have been right.
2. Be sure you are filling your time. If you're going back to college as you said in October, fine, but what about the meantime? Are you working, studying, providing? I'm assuming that your wife is able to pay the bills. You said you spent 40 hours investigating a job, but never said anything else. I hope you're not reveling in the pain. Find something, no matter how seemingly insignificant, to get you out and about and around people. I hope you're at least in church somewhere (you haven't said anything about that since visiting that Episcopal church). It's part of the simple path and if you can go to the dentist, then you certainly can occasionally go to church.
3. Your illness is real. Don't play games with it. Don't let anyone tell you that you just need to get over it. But at the same time, don't let it be your crutch and your excuse. Don't blame everything on it. Don't let it be your "free pass" to do whatever you want. That's what I did for a while, but I finally came to my senses and realized that depressed folks are still sinners, and depressed folks can still repent.
Again, these aren't meant as judgments, just suggestions from someone who's trod the same terrible sod. With you I hope to continue to converse. If you feel this is inappropriate for your blog, then maybe we can connect by email. I pray the riches of His grace on you.
One of the reasons I love blogging is that there is an amazing free interchange of ideas, of feelings, and experiences. It is as close to democracy as I think we'll find in this world until the final trumpet blows. That is a good thing.
However, one of the many dangers I can fall into is to think that I *know* you, based on what you share on your blog. The other major danger I can embrace (and, God help me, *have* fallen into) is trying to advise or prescribe to someone based on meager knowledge. I've tried not to do that with you, brother - though I'm sure I've failed a time or two (or more) because at heart I've had much more experience as a co-dependent fix-it guy than as an *interdependent* journeyman.
I also have a tendency to accept everyone else's Rx for me as some variant on the gospels - and my inability to meet up with others' judgement or recommendations as a personal failure and character flaw. I'm pretty sure that most other folk don't fall into that, but I have to confess my own sins, here.
There is much that our anonymous friend shares that may be of value for you - and there is probably a significant portion that may feel somewhere between "unhelpful" and "raw sewage." He said - repeatedly - that his writing was not meant to be judgemental. Therefore, it's absolutely OK to not take it as judgement - and equally broken to actually internalize the judgement, whether he meant it or not. I only say this because *it's where I go,* most days. And if that says a lot about my own mental health, well, *duh*...
I, too, am a constant contradiction - knowing grace, feeling judged and unworthy; knowing I am a child of God, and feeling much more like the first 41 chapters of Job than a redeemed child of the Creator. Welcome to the club, brother. That's why we share our stories - to know that we aren't alone, and that (as my favorite CS Lewis quote says) "True brotherhood begins when one man says to another, 'You too? I thought I was the only one.'"
:::clearing throat::: Hello, is this thing on?
Yes, it's been a while...the silence has been deafening.
ET, phone home...and Merry Christmas, brother.
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