Beyond Borders

We just got done watching this movie. All I can say is: WOW! It was one of those movies that is sad not only due to the plot but also because of the scenes that are within the movie.

The movie showed so many pictures of starving refugees and victims of civil war. It was truly......eye awakening. Actually, it was breath-taking. I found myself totally moved by what I saw. There are some scenes with this little boy in it that......well got me to thinking.

What in the world am I doing for the "least of my brethern"?

Seriously....I am feeling like I have dropped the ball. I feel like it is the Super Bowl and I have just fumbled in the endzone. I mean, this movie was about relief workers sacrificing it all for the "least of my brethern."

What in the world am I doing with my life? Am I wasting my life, like John Piper warns? I have been on staff as a youth minister for a total of around 3 1/2 years of my life, with the last 2 being on staff here at Pellville. I have "served" the Lord. I have "done my duty." Why am I not satisfied with my performance/life? I answered the call and did what I felt God called me to do. I tried my best and gave it 100% yet I feel unsatisfied. I have a deep desire to reach the outcast of the world. I have a desire to make a difference, not only "in the Lord" but in LIFE!

I know that some of you may think that I have over-reacted. But I don't think so. I think that my reaction is normal. I want to make a difference in the world, however that may be. Maybe its as a minister or maybe its as a social worker. I wished I could join the military and serve my country but I can't. I wish that I was rich and would be able to devote my time and resources to reaching those that are without. But I am not. I am worried about paying for my electricity while there are those out there that don't get 700 calories in a day....BTW I prolly get 700 calories in a bite!

I think I am spoiled. I am like most Americans and have no glopal vision. I have no "sense" of what is going on. And for the most part I don't care. Now that sounds bad but what I mean is that my attitude reflects my lack of concern. I do care. I want to do something about it....but like most I know not where to start. I guess a start was when my wife and I started sponsoring a little girl in Haiti through Compassion International (http://www.compassion.net).

Man am I sick. I just feel like I am letting God down. I don't feel like I am making a difference for those that need the difference the most. I have always felt like God wanted me and called me to reach the toughest cases. I always thought that I would be a martyr for Him in Indonesia or some far off land. But then I started dealing with depression, among other things, and found out that most mission agencies won't send one with serious depression due to the instability of a mission field. So what is it that God wants me to do? Work in the inner cities of America, reaching the youth? Go to Sudan or Cambodia to reach those that have not? I don't know but I know I want to make a difference.......

do you?

Things I did

It has been a fun two days for me. Me and Resa went to Tennessee to see my sister, two nieces and my brother-n-law. It was a really good time. My sister did our hair (cut and highlights for Resa and highlights for me) for free. She is so generous and giving. Gotta love her. She is truly "family" to me.

Me and Resa had a good time driving home Friday. We talked almost all the way home. It was good and interesting conversation. I really do enjoy talking to my wife. She is so wonderful and is the greatest wife and friend anyone could want. You have to physically make yourself not love her....she is just that lovable. There is no way I can make it without her. Plus, she says really nice things about me behind my back (http://howrandomisthat.blogspot.com - which is her blog) She is truly awesome.

Last night, me and Nathan went to the HCHS game at McLean county. It was fun and I had a good time....although it was cold. The Hornets pulled out another impressive victory and move their record to 7-1. They have a good chance of doing some good things this year in the playoffs.

This morning, I sit here thinking about things I need to do. I need to do some work on my lessons for tomorrow, I need to go and put the songs in the computer for worship tomorrow, and I need to go see my buddy Chris.

Well....thats it for now....stay tuned.......

Is it possible?

I woke up this morning before Resa. That is pretty rare considering I went to bed later than she. I couldn't sleep last night. And obviously couldn't stay asleep this morning. I woke up this morning thinking about following Jesus. Actually, that is what woke me up.

Here is the question: is it possible that we have turned following Jesus into legalism? Don't understand? Let me explain.

I think that we have our preconcieved notions of what following Jesus means. We think of someone who listens to Christian music, has a fish on their car, wears Testimony Tees and acts a certain way. We all have our biased opinion of what a follower of Jesus is.

But is that what makes a follower of Jesus? Is it these ideas that are merely external? Or is there more to it......a heart issue?

For example, suppose that a young gentleman decides to trust in Jesus and become a follower. (I restrain from saying "He got saved") Now, due to circumstances, he has "gotten" away from all the influences that led him to Christ (fundamental, conservative Christians). He no longer has someone to disciple him and to help teach him how to follow Christ. Because of this, he starts listening to "secular" music....cussing.....drinking socially......smoking on occasion......stops going to church, which never liked him anyway......and even has casual sex with his girlfriend. All of this done with no idea that it is "wrong."

Is he still a follower of Christ?

Now before you answer....think about this: Following Jesus is a heart issue. Its internal not external. Anything else becomes works based and negates the Cross of Christ.

Is he still a follower of Christ? Was he ever a follower of Christ? He truly believed yet he doesn't look it or act it. What's the deal?

I thought I was!

Something that has been on my mind as of late, is the fact that this latest depressive episode occurred at the time in my life when I was most committed to God. It was a time in my life where my devotional life/quiet time was strong and consistent and it was a time in my life where I was, at least I thought, trusting in God the most.

I don't understand it. We teach that we are supposed to trust fully in God and depend completely on Him. We teach that, by doing this, we are doing God's will. Trust in God is what we tell people. It's our answer for all problems. Having problems at work? Well, trust in God. Having problems in your marriage? Well, trust in God. Family member have cancer? Well, you both need to trust in God.

You see....every problem that comes up has a final solution of trusting in God. But what happens when we do that, trust in God, and things still go to ......well falls apart.

I thought I was trusting in God. At least I was doing it in a way that I never have before and in a way that I can only hope to once again attain. I had put everything back into God's court. I quit depending on Drew and started letting God take control of things. I read books talking about "ruthless trust" and about my relationship as "Abba's child." I listened to music by a guy who was trusting God after he lost his wife at the age of 24.

So what happened?

I don't know. But I do know I need more of an answer than, well, it will all work out. I need more than, it will all work out for good (Romans 8:28). I need more than it was God's will.

I know I need more because what I need now is Christ. I need my Savior to hold me and love me and care for me in ways that no one can but Him. I need my Savior to love me. That is what I need......His love. You see, I know I am "Abba's child" and that brings a special relationship with the God of all things. So what I need.....is my God to reach down to me, love me like only He can, and tell me that "Son, I am going to take care of all this, just you wait and see."

But that doesn't mean that it is any easier. No its not at all. I still want an answer. I still want an understanding of what happened and why it happened. I still want to get back to where I was, spiritually. Well, that is if that is where God wants me Spiritually. Maybe, God doesn't want me to depend on Him in the way that I was. Maybe He wants more faith and by golly, He will stop at no ends to make my faith what it should be.

But its really hard for me right now. To say different would be a lie. It's hard for me to have full faith in God when I have been this route before and my life came crashing down. But I trust Him. I trust that its all gonna work out. It is a very simple trust....not a deep trust nor a "Super-Godly trust" but a very simple trust.

I just pray that He makes it what He wants it to be. Without Him I am nothing....nor will I ever be anything.

The Future (for me and Resa at least)

Well, the future of Drew has been on my mind a lot lately. Where will I go? What will I do when I get there? How long, till I know for sure what God wants for me in my life? All these questions linger around my mind as I try to hash it all out.

Resa and I have talked about going to Evansville Indiana and me go back to school at University of Southern Indiana. As of right now, that is the plan. But the problems do come, as they always do in my life.

1) Where will we live? Resa just got an interim at the high school and will be filling in for it for around 12 weeks till the end of the school year. That makes living in Evansville hard, due to her having to drive so much. However, USI's married housing is extremely cheap. I mean so cheap that we will save around 300-350 a month which equals between 3600 - 4200 a year. YISER! That is a lot of money. So we are kinda stuck on what to do...I want to be the good husband in this decision yet I find my decision benefiting me more than her. I don't want her to have to drive yet I don't want to put extra financial burden on us. We have enough of that as it is. We could live in between Evansville and Hawesville but that still has both of us driving and me driving everyday to Evansville, so that really doesn't do much good. Please pray for us as we are trying to decide what to do. I will need to be turning in my housing deposit pretty soon so this decision is one that will have to be made soon. It would be easy to make the decision if we knew that she would have a teaching job for sure next year. We would have to live in Owensboro or somewhere so that she could teach. Its just that this not knowing is tearing us apart. Not literally tearing me and Resa apart but tearing us up inside.....if that makes sense.

2) What will I do? OR the most important question: What will I study? This has been a very lively debate for the last couple of years in my life. Usually I was limiting to something that was cheap and available distance so no matter where I was I could do the program. Well now, USI is cheap and they have all the majors one could possibly want. So the question is what do I study?
As of right now, I see myself studying for my Bachelors in Social Work and then continuing on to the MSW degree. I think ultimately I would like to run an inner city/city youth center, reaching out to teens. But the MSW would give me plenty of options if that didn't work out. I love people. I especially love teens and feel that I can help them become better people as they pursue their dreams and aspirations.

So I guess that is all for now....oh yeah:

I just wanted to say thanks for reading this blog.....and come back often, I try to post every day or at least every other day. Don't forget to add your comments.....

Leave comments!

Everytime I go to BLOG, I check to see if there are any comments....and usually there are not. Thanks to Nomey and Matt and Jake for leaving comments thus far. Please feel free to leave comments on things you disagree with or that you agree with....come on it will be fun.


Also, check out Nomey's blog @ http://nomey.blogspot.com Its really cool to have someone to discuss postmodernism with and that is going through the same things that I am going through. Check him out!

The Christian Ghetto. You gotta love it. I have been a resident of the ghetto for far too long. I eat, sleep, dream - Christian. I have NO contact whatsoever with the outside world. Well, that is not true. I do have some contact with those that don't follow Christ. And to be honest, it is some of those relationships (as minute as they are) that are exciting and thrilling. That is why I loved Upward basketball so much. It was an opportunity for me to get out and meet community folks at least 2-3 times a week. Saturdays were awesome because I got to "work" the crowd and make some relationships with those that were there.

Its kinda hard to do evangelism when you live in a bubble. That's right, for the most part we live in a bubble. Lets take me for example. Up until Oct. 17, my life consists of sleeping, breathing and eating in Pellville. I get up, go to the office (which is at the church) and then go home. No interaction whatsoever. Now that is nobody's fault except my own. But outside interaction is not readily available. You have to pursue it.

We all are very similar. Oustide of our Christian friends, we rarely have any. We do "Christian" things like aChristian bowling league or we have "fellowships" or other church related events. Our whole life revolves around living in the Christian Ghetto or Christian bubble, whichever you prefer.

We put on our church t-shirt, get in our bumber sticker/fish bearing vehicle, listen to the latest in CCM (contemporary Christian music for the uninitiated) or Ray Boltz, meet up with our Christian friends, to go to a church softball game where after playing we will go to the local "Christian cafe" or restraunt where we will sit and "fellowship" for hours.

We pray without ceasing that God would remove us from the pagans that we work with. The ones that do nothing but cuss and talk about their beer and women. The ones that are desperately in need of a change. BUT....we want out. We don't want to stay. We want to find an environment where everybody knows and loves Christ....an environment where we can "fellowship" all day long.

Now do I think it is bad to work at a Christian dentists' office? NO. I don't think it is wrong at all. However, I do feel like we are in the wrong whenever we pursue employment based on wheter or not it is a Christian place. I also think it is wrong for us to leave our places of employment when God has clearly called us to be a witness to our coworkers.

The Christian Ghetto .....its not the place for me. God has called me to go into the world, not hide from it through Christian schools and Christian organizations. He has called me to go into the world and be a light for His glory. It is hard for ME to be a light in the world when I am not in it. Just as I don't shine a flashlight outside my house to see in my house, nor should I expect to make a difference in the world living in the bubble.

Christian Ghetto?

Is it just me or am I the only one that sees a HUGE Christian sub-culture in our society? I mean just look around and you will be surprised with what you see. We have our own bookstores, our own movies, our own music, our own candy, our own clothing and even our own Christian mechanics.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to ridicule or put down any of the aforementioned things. Those things, in and of themselves, are not "wrong" or "bad." I like some Christian music and I liked the Passion. I go to Christian bookstores on occasion and I even think testamints are tasty.

There is, however, a truth to our "Christian ghetto." We have not taken the biblical command to go into the world, instead, we have retreated from the world. We have created a safe place for us and our children to live so that they don't have to interact with the world.

In the world but not of the world? Nope that is not for us. We don't even want to be in the world. We do everything we can to be separate from the world. If we are even close to anything in the world, we think it to be defiling.

But I think Christ calls us to interact with the world, not run from it. He calls us to engage with those that are not followers, doing so in a way that is biblical and right.

But I think that the ghetto has negated anything that we might do. We have cheesy sayings and cliches that are offensive to all that are not part of the club, oops I mean church. For example, those that stand outside and hold up a sign that says "Jesus Saves" do nothing constructive for our faith. Nobody sees that sign and runs out to get "saved." I am not even sure I like that word so much. Saved and lost are words that are potentially harmful to a discussion on Christ.

I am calling us to rethink everything that we do that could be potentially harmful to those who do not follow Christ. We need to make sure that we are not building walls but instead tearing them down. We need to be engagers with the world not haters.

That is funny. I just used the word haters. But its so true so I will keep it there.

More thoughts to follow soon......

Outside?

I think WE have a problem. We have a problem of looking at the outside of a person instead of the inside. You see, I can say "we" here because I too am in this group. I look at "looks."

Drew: Hello. I am a outside looker.
Group: Hello Drew

Seriously, I look at the "looks" of people and judge them accordingly. I know its wrong and it is something that God has been impressing on my heart. I see someone and think, "there is no way that person is a Christian." But why? Why do I look at someone and judge them accordingly.

First it implies that there is a right "look." Secondly, it endorses the world's perspective on things. Last, it shows how truly immature and fallen that I am.

Lord help me.

I don't want to be focused on looks. I don't want to judge a book by its cover. I want to get to know the person. I don't want to see tattoos and think that they are "lost" (gotta love that word, with all of its stereotypes) because of some ink on their arms. I don't want to see piercings and think that they are not followers of Christ.

Christ has no uniform look for His followers. They are different. Just like the song says, "red, yellow, black and white - they are precious in His sight."

I am learning, albeit slowly. What can I do about people judging looks? Well, the first thing I can do is search my heart and make sure that I rid it of all unrighteousness.

That is something we all can do. Search our hearts and rid them of unrighteousness.

I hope people don't judge me by my looks. I know that I probably don't always "look" right.

Election time!!

Election time is here and so are all the politics that go with it. Vote for Kerry, he cares for the working man! Vote for Bush, he has strong Christian morals! Vote for Nader, he's got a cool name!

Seriously, its that time again and I am wondering who I am going to vote for. Oh, you just assumed that I was going to vote for Bush? See what happens when you assume things....you are wrong!

Now you think I am a Kerry lover or Nader freak, don't you? That's not the case either. It's just this year, I am trying to make an informed decision. I want to make sure that my vote is going to the one that I feel is best qualified to be President of the United States.

This is prolly different than most Christians (conservative ones at least) that have already made their mind up to vote for Bush because "He is Pro-Life and against same sex marriage." In their minds, that is all that it takes for them to cast their vote towards him. Which, to be honest, is exactly what I did last election. I voted for Bush because it was the "right" thing to do and because he was "a good Christian guy."

So what has changed for me? Have I gone liberal? (Whatever that means!) Am I now a moderate because I am weighing the options? Nah, not at all. I just think I need to examine the different philosophies of the different parties. I need to examine and study what thier ideas are for the way that the country should be led. And all by the way, I need to examine the candidates themselves to see where they stand on issues. I believe their is an over-stereotyping of the two main parties.

It seems to me - please note that I am not a political expert, nor do I play one on TV - but usually you have people making their votes on two differnt issues. Either you vote for the party that benefits the "working" man or you vote for the Pro-lifer/anti-same sex marriage. You choose either or. OR, maybe that is just where I living.

Now don't get me wrong, the way you choose how to vote is totally up to you and I will not hold it against you. I am just trying to stress a point.

Maybe we should consider the other issues than the ones we hang on to so tightly. For example, why don't those who "scream" pro-life, examine the philosophy of governement and how the government should be operated. Can't we take a break and just weigh all the issues?

Maybe those that "scream" about the working man could stop and consider the morals of the man and his opponent?

I just think that it is time that we break out of the stereotype and start to think outside our political boxes and consider other things. Not to go liberal, nor to go conservative. Maybe its time that we put more thought into the upcoming election.

SO.........

Who am I going to vote for?


Wouldn't you like to know?

I don't understand. Do you?

I am having a hard time with all this. It is hard for me to understand "why" all this has happened this way. Why did God call me to Pellville for this to only end in such a fashion? Why does God see it necessary for me to have this illness and vice? Why did God call me into ministry to start with?

I have always been taught not to question God. Its wrong they tell me. It is not trusting Him. That makes me wonder. Wonder whether or not they are right? David questioned God didn't he? He asked how come God wouldn't destroy those who defile the temple/sanctuary and defile God's name.

Why? Tell me Lord, why? Why has all this happened? Why do I struggle with this depression that covers me like white on rice? Why do you not intercede into my life on my behalf, or better yet on Your behalf?

Man this is painful. It hurts worse than anything else before it. But somehow blogging makes me feel like I am getting it out. Maybe I am.

Thanks Levi for reminding me that I haven't blogged in awhile. This has helped.

I resigned...

Well, tonight has been one tough night. I informed both the church and the youth group that I am resigning, with October 17 being my last Sunday. It was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. The love and support that this church has shown us has been unparralled. It has been great to serve and live here with these people. I know that God has great things in store for them and I pray and hope that my time here will add to the advancement of the kingdom of God.

Whew! Its unbelievable. I can't believe it. This is almost surreal. I am numb. But it was something that I must do.

I have been dealing with depression for such a long time now. This battle has been quiet at times and fierce at other times. It has been a calm battle and an intense battle. Depression, it stinks. Seriously, I hate it. I hate what it does to me. I hate everything that it controls in my life.

But like someone (actually many) have said, I can and will beat it. I have the support of a lovely wife and the support of awesome friends.....and the support of a church. We will prevail - FOR HIS GLORY.

Homosexual ban

I was thinking this morning about the nationwide debate on homosexual marriage. I was thinking about the whole issue of separation of church and state. In my mind, I am trying to decipher what exactly this means.

The first ammendment reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

There are so many different interpretations of what this means. There are ideas everywhere giving their interpretation of this ammendment. Discussions include the historical context for the ammendment. What did they mean?

I am not for sure what they meant.

I hear some Christians saying that they think that we are moving into dangerous ground if we let the government ban homosexual marriage. Others say that we are on dangerous ground if we don't ban homosexual marriage. I would be curious to sit in on a debate between these two different camps. Well, maybe not a debate but a discussion - a conversation.

What do I believe? Well, I do believe that homosexuality is a sin before the eyes of God. But I don't believe, like some of my brothers and sisters, that homosexuality is the "supreme" sin of our nation. I think for the most part, we (Christians) have become more homophobic than anything else. We talk about loving the person but hating the sin, yet I think too often we do just the opposite. Think about your personal attitude towards homosexuals right now. Are you loving towards them and willing to reach out to them? Or are you pretty "icky" about them and don't really want anything to do with them.

This is where I want to be careful. I know in my own heart, I have been homophobic and probably still have the tendency. But I also know that God wants me to love them and reach out to them. Most homosexuals don't know that God loves them. Seriously. All they see is "God's people" yelling at them, killing them, and telling them that they are wrong all the time. Now, yes I do understand that God calls us to stand up for what is right and what is wrong, but doesn't God call us to love and to be servants. I think homosexuals would listen to "Christianity" more if we would quit yelling at them, serve them, listen to them, and make friends with them.

I know I need to. God has called me to love others regardless of who they are. He did the same to me. I know my heart, yet Christ saved me. He reached out to me, a ragamuffin. Maybe, just maybe He wants us to be His hands and reach out to homosexuals. Not yelling and condemning but loving and caring. Then, maybe they will see Jesus in a whole new light and well we don't know what will happen after that. We can only hope.

I don't want same sex marriages to be allowed. I believe that marriage is a sacred event between a man and a woman. But when this comes to the whole "legal" arena, I don't know how to respond. I am not sure the legal aspects of this and therefore cannot say what is legal and not legal. I guess that depends on one's philosophy of law and religion. I know what my hope is, that they would see Christ in me and that I would be able to share the love of God with them.

Inerrancy of the Word?

Last night, I had a great conversation with Chris about whether or not one needed to believe in the inerrancy of the Word of God (Bible, scriptures) to become a Christian? If faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God then does that mean we must believe in inerrancy to be saved? How about this: we only know Jesus from scripture, but if scriptures are full of error then how do we know Jesus?

Now let me state from the very beginning that I believe in the inerrancy and infalliblility of the Word of God. I don't want anyone to get even the notion that I don't believe in the inerrancy of the Word of God.

That being said, I think that this is a good question: does one have to believe in the inerrancy of the Bible to be saved? I believe that this ultimately leads to another question: what does it take to be saved? Do we have to know certain doctrines? Do we have to say a certain prayer? Do we just believe and follow? Do we have to work for our salvation?

What does it take to be saved?

Here is a scenerio: a man lays on his death bed having grown up in a "liberal" church that does not believe in the complete inerrancy of the Bible. He never "believed" and was a member by name only. At his death bed, his pastor realizes that this man has never followed Jesus with a personal faith. The pastor then leads this man to believe in Jesus and trust Him for his salvation.
The man does so with a sincere heart.

Is he saved although neither the pastor nor him believe that the Bible is completely inerrant?

Well some questions that we may bring up are: can we know Jesus from a "tainted" and "error" filled Bible? Is that Jesus the Jesus of salvation? If the Bible is full of error then how can we know that the way to salvation is in fact not in error?

I have an answer to the question. Well at least an answer from my perspective. I believe that one is saved by believing in Jesus and trusting Him for their salvation, and in turn following Him. That is salvation. I become hesitant to say that we have to believe certain things before we can become a Christian. Can one here the gospel from someone who doesn't believe in the inerrancy of the Bible and be saved? Absolutely. Do I have to believe that the Bible is totally without error before I can be saved? I don't believe that one must believe that. Think of all those that are in Africa who never understand the concept of inerrancy of the Word of God. Think of when we share the Gospel, do we share that the Bible is God's Holy word and that there is no error in it? One must believe in Jesus and trust in Him alone.

Lets not make people believe certain things (Trinity, inerrancy, abortion is wrong) for them to become Christians. Lets let salvation be salvation.

Any thoughts? Leave comments.

God's Love

God's love is amazing. I sit here, not fully grasping it. Can I fully grasp it? It's too vast for me. Questions flood my mind, right or wrong. Why does He love me? I know me. I know the inside of my heart and the wickedness of it is embarrassing. I know the sinfulness of this ragamuffin and I can't help but be in awe that God would even consider loving me. Why?

I am overwhelmed this morning. I can't fully put into words what I am feeling. It's got something to do with God's love being too great and me undeserving. To think that this God of all the universe has an intimate love for me. Not just a passing love that we tend to have for others and not some limited love that we have...but a love that is infinite and everlasting. He loves me. He loves me for me. He doesn't wait on me to do my devotion to say "I love you." He has already said it in the work of the cross and longs for me to live in this great and awesome love. I don't have to "do" to be loved by God. It's not some love that you earn by the things that you do. It's a love that is beyond our comprehension. It's an unconditional love. Obviously, it's a love that is unfathomable.

This morning, my heart just wants God to know how much I love Him. It longs to express the affections that it has for its creator and sustainer. My heart longs to run to Abba and embrace Him with all that I am. I just want to express my love this morning.

Why do I have such a hard time? Is it my sinful heart that turns to idols and gods of this world? Is it my fallen nature? Is it my inability to fully express my heart's longings?

It doesn't matter. All that matters is: I love you God. You are my Father- my everything. Let this heart express its desires to rest in you and accept your warm embrace.

Crazy Weekend

This weekend has been a little hectic, or at least it seemed so. Friday me and Resa went out to eat at Tumbleweed (yum) and then went and got groceries. Oh yeah, we stopped off at Books A Million. I love that place. I could go there and hang out everyday. Always something to look at or read.

I love to read.

Anyway, Saturday morning I got up and went with Jake to the Hancock Invitational. I love going to watch my youth participate in things that they like to do. I think I had around 4 youth involved Sat. so it was really cool. The girls and the boys high school won and the girls middle school won second place. Overall it was a nice morning and I had a good time.

Saturday night, I went "out" with Jake, Matt, and Tim (Jake's roommate.) We went to the batting cages where we all took our turn swinging at little round balls with a round bat. And I am supposed to hit it squarely? Yeah right. It was fun. All three of those guys are great athletes so I felt like I was in great company. They all play collegiate sports so I was proud to be one of them. I got a couple of blisters on my hand from the bat. Man I miss that. I miss playing so bad. We then went to get something to eat and then we watched a movie at Matt's - Black Sheep with Chris Farley. He is too funny. Him and David Spade team up again in this movie. They work great together. It was a good evening. I had a good time. Good fun, good food, good conversation. It was all good.

I am tired today.

Brokenness?

This has been something on my mind as of late. Brokenness before God. What exactly does it mean? Think about it. Say it to yourself. Brokenness.

I think that this is one of those words that we have a hard time defining. I mean we all "kinda" know what it means. Let me tell you what I think of: I think of being completely "broken" before God. I think of ultimate humility and honesty about who I truly am on the inside. Not who I try to be and not who I appear to be, but who I really am. I recognize that before God, I am nothing. As Isaiah said, my good deeds are like filthy rags. As Paul said in Romans, there is none good no not one. I am in that category. And brokenness to me is the point you get to, not out of pride but out of true humility and authenticity, when you say "God, you are everything. I am nothing before you and you and you alone are worthy to be exalted. I am sinful and fallen. I present myself as this sinner to you, for you to love."

I long for this "brokenness." I long to be humble before God and to be able to be honest about what I really am on the inside. Although I know I am sinful, it almost seems like I live each day forgetting that I am sinful. Brokenness takes our heart and reveals the true desires. Brokenness shows that, apart from Christ, we are NOTHING! This is what I want. I want to get to the point where I can live each day in the truth of who I am and what God has done for me. I am not perfect. I can't be perfect. Yet I spend excessive energy trying to be just that way.

Why can't I just be broken?

This is a desire that has been continually building in me. Everyday, I think more and more on this topic. Sometimes it rules my thoughts. It needs to, to make up for all the time that I have pushed the thought of brokenness out of my mind.

Do you desire brokenness? Do you want to be left "open" before God and are you prepared for what will happen when you get to this point?

"Brokenness, Brokennness, it's what I long for. "

Am I Pharisee?

Do you ever feel like a Pharisee? Come on, never? I think I feel like a Pharisee 90% of the time. I feel like some religious leader who has it all figured out. In my mind I pass judgement on those that are not as "spiritual" or "religious" as I am. I see them and think, if they will just do this or that then they could be like me and have a great spiritual life like me. I see their sins and their weaknesses sticking out and wonder how come they don't "do" something about it. I am a Pharisee. How did my heart come to the place where it would do this? What has made me get to the point where I am the "religious" leader who passes judgement.

I've read Luke 18:9-14. I have read how the Pharisee goes into the temple and prays self-righteously, thanking God that he is not like the sinners (swindlers, unjust, adulterers or even like the tax collector who was also there). He informs God that he has given his tithe and that he fasts twice a week.

I've also read where the tax collector humbly stands off in the distance. Too humbled and broken to even lift his eyes to heaven, he prays, "God be merciful to me the sinner!"

When I read this passage my heart breaks. I see that my heart is too often like that Pharisee, proud and boastful. I go to God with all that I "do" and thank Him that I am not like the others, those that are not followers. Those that are deep in their sin.

Wait. I too am deep in my sin. Up to my neck.

I want to be like the tax collector. Humble and unworthy of even looking to the heavens. I want to bow down my life to the One who is worthy. I want to see who I really am. I want to see that I am truly sinful to the core and its only by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus that I even have a right to approach the throne of Grace.

Why can't I see my brokeness before God. Why must I wear the religious garb and become someone I am not.

Lord, make me holy. Make me like Your Son.

Ruthless Trust

Trust. I say I trust God. You say you trust God. Yet we live each precious moment with worry and concern for the outcome of many if not all of the day's events. But is this how Christ wants us to live? I hope not. I hope that Christ doesn't want me to live each day with a shaky, shady trust that is never sure. Is that even trust at all? Is it a form of trust? Or is it just a poor attempt at trust?

I don't believe this is how Christ wants us to live. I believe He wants us to live each day in a faith that is real to us. A trust that doesn't second guess, a trust that is "ruthless" as Brennan Manning puts it. Our trust needs to be an all out attack on the love of God. Depending, loving and believing Him for His goodness and His care of His sheep.

This trust makes us pray like this (as found in Manning's Ruthless Trust) "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind, and spirt and this entire day - morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."

I believe Manning is absolutely right, that our trust should be more than a generic trust in God. It should be the deep depending trust of the prayer that Manning gives us in his book. Oh, how we should long and seek to have a trust in God with all that we are. A ruthless, unwavering, trust that holds back nothing, but runs fully into Christ's open arms.

Too often, our "faith" becomes generic and conditioned. Its lived out over and over, day after day. We do the best we can to live as a Christian, but that is about it. Being a Christian becomes something that we "do."

May God give us all trust - trust to run into His arms and make this "faith" something real and living and precious. Make it a relationship that is living and breathing and passionate. Make it more than what it has been. Make it all that it can be.

Do you trust Christ like this? I don't everday. I strive to. That is my goal. Maybe you don't have a relationship with Christ at all. He calls us to trust in Him. Maybe now you will see what this trust really is.

God's Grace

God's grace is so amazing. I know that this saying "amazing grace" is probably overdone but as I sit here listening to Todd Agnew's "Grace Like Rain" I can't help but feel unworthy of His grace and incompetent to describe this grace that God gives so freely to me. I prayed this morning that God would give me grace in a certain situation and God did just that. He poured his wonderful grace upon me today, all to His great glory. Grace - so undeserved. I feel sometimes, well most of the time that I need grace to even accept God's grace. Why does the Sovereign choose to be kind to me, a ragamuffin, a sinner who's heart is full of sin and shame?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just know that you had this "supernatural" help and that you were spared from something worse or something terrible? That is what this day was like. I worried and fretted over something so small. Yet I left it in God's hands and prayed for His grace. And it was His grace that got me through. By His grace and for His glory. That is the name of a book but is the theme of my life. I live by His grace and for His glory.

By His grace and for His glory.